Jumping Out of the Comfort Zone

I have spent the last 10 or so Saturday mornings in a small room, in a large church, with 40+ women, of many ages. And it has been the most God-filled, inspiring, beautiful 10 weeks of my life. We prayed more in those 10 weeks than I ever have in my 22 years. We laughed. We cried. We praised God through it all.

There is something to be said about jumping out of your comfort zone and doing what you never thought you could. Let me begin by telling you about the very first session we had together. 

I walked into that church full of nerves. I almost talked myself out of going many times. Satan attacked my thoughts and told me I wasn't good enough for this. I was too young. I was too inexperienced. I don't have a "good" testimony. I don't want to share. But I fought it and I jumped in. 

I didn't know a single soul. I figured hey, maybe I can play a little Dutch bingo and make a connection with someone. Those typical connections never happened. The only, and the most important, connection I made with these ladies was our love for the same Man: Jesus. 

Weeks before I had even heard about this Bible study, I struggled with knowing God's will for me. I wanted to know what He was saying to me. I wanted to know how to hear Him. Then one day, I stumbled across this Bible Study. We were going to be studying a book called "Discerning the Voice of God", by Priscilla Shirer. How perfect. God had spoken. 

That first session, we dove into scripture and talked about what we would be learning and what we already knew about God speaking to us. I don't know about you, but I have lived a lot of my life believing that God didn't speak to me. I am just a wee little lady. I am young. I am not that wise. I am not a minister. I am not a prophet. But this study was telling me the opposite. God doesn't speak to us the same way He spoke to Moses or Elijah, but He does speak to us through many means. 

That whole first day, I just sat there. Quiet. Not saying a word. I introduced myself. Told them where I was from, that I was a teacher and that I came from a family of 5 outrageously close sisters. And I thought well that's enough. I don't need to share more. 

We still had about half an hour left in our time together when the leader said, "Ok. For the rest of our time here, we are going to pray in our small groups. Instead of talking to one another about what is going on in your life and your heart, just say in a prayer to God." Instant panic ran over me. I cannot pray in front of these people. Maybe you do not believe me. Yes, I pray in front of my students. Yes, I pray on my own. But in front of 5 ladies that I don't even know? What if I say the wrong thing? What if they think I am praying for silly things? We were sitting at a round table and it turned out that I would be the last one to pray. The whole time those ladies were praying aloud, I was praying inwardly for God to give me the words to say. Lord, it doesn't need to be long. Just let me get this over and done with without making a fool of myself. But as it got closer and closer to my turn, this peace came in my heart. I still hadn't planned what I would say, but there was this peace. And suddenly, it was my turn. And I cannot even comprehend what came over me. Suddenly, these words came out of my mouth. And they just kept on coming. I opened up, I spouted out things that I didn't even know I was thinking. Tears streamed down my cheeks. 

(Side note: Have you ever cried with your eyes closed while wearing non-waterproof mascara? Yeah, not cool. Your eyelashes practically glue shut. When that prayer was done, I practically had to pry my eyeballs open. When I looked in the mirror later, my eyelashes had become one. One big clump on each eye. Pretty.)

When I opened my eyes. I looked at the lady beside me. And she gave me this look. A look that no one has ever given me. A look that made my heart swell. It was this look of love and knowing. She grabbed my hand and said, "Jenna, tell me your story." So there I went, telling her my whole life story. About my preconceived knowledge of God and how He worked and my journey with Him in the last year. When I was done and my tears stopped flowing. She said, "Jenna, I want to pray for you. Ladies, let's take a minute to pray for Jenna and what she is going through." And that whole table bowed their heads in prayer and prayed over me. For me. 

I have never had anyone pray like that for me. I have never seen anyone love a stranger like that. My heart overflowed. So did the tears. It was the most beautiful and humbling experience. And I will never forget it. 

From that moment on, I never missed a single Bible Study session. I have been up til 2am the night before for a girls' night at my cousins and got up bright and squirrely to go. I have bailed other plans just so I wouldn't miss it. 

The things I have learned. My views on God and His Word and His love for me has taken a complete turn. I have fallen in love with the LORD all over again. I just cannot get enough of Him. He has spoken straight into my heart. He has made a "new thing" (Isaiah 43:19) and that new thing is in me. 

I have learned to get out of that comfort zone. And it was uncomfortable and it was a battle field in my mind. But it is the very best thing I have ever done. And I don't regret it for the world. 

Next week is my last week in this specific study and I am sad that it is coming to an end. But the greatest thing is that it will never be over. His love for me is everlasting. And my love for Him and His Word just keeps on growing. There is no turning back now.

The winter study begins January 11. Will you to join us? :)


Jenna
xo

Thankful

As a kid, I used to say that thanksgiving was my favourite holiday and my favourite time of year. The only reason was my birthday is October 11 and it usually fell on, or very close to, thanksgiving. But this weekend, I realized I love it for more reasons than that. To be honest, if it weren't for the 10 text messages I received Friday morning, I would have forgotten it was my birthday all together.

Although, I hated the cold, the rain and the fact that the Horsman Bocce Tournament was cancelled this year, I still loved this past weekend with my family.

Every year for the past 10 years (?), the Horsman families and our close friends pack up clothing for all types of weather, and head out for the long drive to Bronte Creek Provincial Park. (That is sarcasm. It literally is 15 minutes from my house). You never know what kind of weather you are going to get. We've had years where we wear shorts and flip flops, years of snowsuits, years of raincoats and rubber boots. It is unpredictable. Almost gives you an adrenaline rush. You never know what you're going to get.

But there are some things you can be sure of when camping with my ever-growing family. You can guarantee that you will laugh a lot. You can guarantee that you will learn something new, whether its a fun fact, how to play a new game or, something you never knew about another person. You can guarantee to wear at least a sweater at night. You can guarantee you don't want to sleep in a tent. You can guarantee to eat baked goods and junk all day, and have an amazing dinner in the evening. You can guarantee that you will be up late at night and won't sleep in past 9:30. You can guarantee that you will have one short period of time that you are grumpy for whatever reason (most likely lack of sleep). And you can guarantee you will get suckered into pushing kids on a swing at least once all weekend.

I am so grateful that for the first time in 3 years, I spent the entire weekend with my family. I never went to other thanksgiving activities. I just spent time with the people that matter so much to me.

I am thankful that I have lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, cousin-in-laws, second cousins, and family friends. I am thankful that I have an amazing mom and dad, 4 awesome sisters, 3 super brother-in-laws, 3 handsome nephews and 1 darling niece. I am grateful that all these people love me no matter what. No matter how unfortunate I may look while camping. No matter what I am wearing. No matter what I say. And above all else, I am grateful that all these amazing people, love the LORD.

I am thankful that little Evelyn could come for an afternoon with her momma. I am thankful that my Grandma Evelyn could come for dinner last night. I am so thankful that the LORD blessed them with the strength, despite their illnesses, to visit us, even if it was only a short period of time.

The LORD has been so good to me the past year. He has pulled me closer to Him than ever before. Sometimes I feel like He is literally right up in my face saying "Woo-hoo Jenna! I am right here!" It has been amazing. But that is a topic for another blog post, coming soon :)

And to end of this blog post, here is a funny story from the weekend:

I don't remember what I was talking about, but I accidentally let a "bad word" slip from my mouth in front of my niece (3 years old) and nephew (2 years old). The bad word was "stupid" (Oh! The horror!). Levi looked up at me and said "Gasp! That's a bad word!" and Jaeda said, "Ya Jenna! That's a bad word! Next time I am going to wash your mouth out with soap!"

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Count your blessings. I can guarantee you have a lot to be thankful for no matter what you're going through.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

Don't you love it when someone forgives you? When someone shows you that grace? When you remember how God has forgiven you for the many things you have done wrong? It is beautiful, isn't it? It's so easy to love forgiveness when you are the one being forgiven.

But what about when you are on the other end? The one who has to show grace? It's not so easy to love forgiveness when you have to be the one to give it. 

It is probably one of the hardest things to do in the world. I like to think of myself as someone who forgives easily. But sometimes I wonder, did I actually forgive them? Or am I just saying I did so that I feel better and they feel better? Like I said before, I hate hurting people. So if I tell people they are forgiven then they don't have to feel bad anymore. But sometimes, I still feel angry. So did I actually forgive?

I recently read a devotional by Mike Donehey (lead singer from Tenth Avenue North). It was about forgiveness and it was based on their song, "Losing." (Scroll down to the very bottom of this post to see the video and hear the song) 

Forgiveness is so hard because it is losing.  

 "To forgive someone you do have to lose. Whenever there's injury, someone has to live with the pain, and to forgive means you accept it, and the offender goes free. Even though you're not at fault, if you're going to turn the other cheek, you have to absorb the pain so that you don't turn around and inflict the one who hurt you." (Mike Donehey)

When you forgive you are giving up your right to be bitter. There was this time, someone told me to just get over something and forgive. I remember saying in anger, "Just let me be mad for a minute!" But I wanted more than a minute. I wanted to dwell on that. I wanted to talk about it for a while. I wanted to bash that person. I wanted that person to feel as low as I did in that moment, whether they knew what I was saying or not. But is that beneficial to anyone? Would Jesus do that? Imagine if He were to dwell on our sins. We would never be forgiven. By the time He would be "over" what we had done, we would have messed up again. 

We don't want to be the bigger person. We don't want to give up the fight and let it go. We don't want to give up our privilege to be bitter. But that is not beneficial either. 

I think bitterness is the ugliest emotion ever. Bitterness is the emotion you feel when you think you are better than someone else. "I could never do what they did to me, to someone," you may think. But really? I know I do it. Maybe even subconsciously, but I still do it.

 I hate when I feel bitter. And I went for many years feeling bitter. And when you let that bitterness go, it is amazing. The weight that comes off your chest. Does it mean that I have forgotten what that person did to me? No. I probably won't ever forget. When I see that person, I will remember. But what I have forgotten is the hurt I felt. I know I felt hurt then, but that same hurt doesn't break my heart the same way it did that day and the days that followed. 

But if I continue to be bitter, I am going to live a lonely life. I won't see the joys in life. All I will see is the negative. And people get sick of bitter people after a while because it is not uplifting. And the person that hurt me, will they even realize that I am this way "because" of them? Probably not! So what is the point? The best way to deal with it, is to absorb it and "rob your enemy." 

 "But friend, if Christ said to forgive the very men who drove nails through his wrists, and the same power that flung Him from the grave lives in us, then surely, surely He can give us the power to lose, so that our aggressors weapons are rendered useless. Rob your enemy of their ability to offend you, by gladly taking the full brunt of their attack. It is then, and only then, that hostility is defeated and love conquers death." (Mike Donehey)

I know it doesn't sound easy. Because it isn't. But Christ never said it would be easy. It sure wasn't easy for Him. He had to lose too. He had to be humiliated publicly. He had to suffer. And really, He was thrown on a cross for us, nails driven into His hands and feet, a crown of thorns piercing through His skull. Since He underwent all this to forgive us, doesn't that belittle the suffering we experience when we forgive?

When I say "we," I literally mean we. I am talking to myself right now too. This Wee Little Bird has a lot of forgiving to do herself. If I really think about it, everyday I struggle with forgiveness. I let bitterness creep into the dark parts of my heart. I want to give that "bad driver" a piece of my mind. I want to call my phone company and yell a little bit for the mistake they made on my phone bill. I want to lose it on my sister for wearing my clothes. It is a daily struggle.

We need to just take a breather. Take a step back. Count to 10 or whatever. Remember the grace that God has shown us. And reflect that grace in our every day lives. And maybe it will come around full circle. Maybe you will forgive someone who has wronged you today and maybe one day you will be shown that same grace when you make a mistake.

So there you have it my dears. We have two options: forgiveness or bitterness. Either way we are going to lose, so why not pick the same option Christ chose for us?

Jenna
xo

P.S. I don't think this is over. There may or may not be another forgiveness post in the future.

P.S.S. I would love to hear your feedback. :) If you have a moment, respond with your thoughts on forgiveness. Discussion is always welcome around here.

Where did that Wee Little Bird go?

Hello!

I know I have been missing lately :( but its been busy. Here's a short little post to show you what I have been up to. 

Trying to look like the pic on the left and NOT the one on the right. 

 Trying to finish this online Bible study... 

...since this one already started.

Killing wee little birds. I know, too sad! But if it is any consolation,  I feel like this little bird on a regular day lately. 

Photoshooting with the cousins. 

Preparing for this concert on June 15. 

Falling in love with cute little creatures. 

Attempting to keep calm. 

And report cards and preparing for year-end field trips and keeping up a social life. 

But I promise you, something is coming. I was recently inspired to write about forgiveness. But whenever I try to sit down and write it, my mind gets caught up in other things. 

But like I said, it's coming! So hold on to your horses. I am not disappearing that quick ;) 

Jenna xo

Mothers

As I am writing this, I am relaxing on the couch with a glass of wine. I realized this is the most I have sat down and relaxed in quite a while.

I am not sure if I like it. LOL. I am not good at this whole sit by yourself and relax. Definitely something I need to get used to and start enjoying. But tonight I will take this moment to sit and just write. No interruptions.

With Mother's Day coming up, I have been thinking a lot about moms. I am not a mom yet, (even though at least one of the 19 students calls me "mom" at least once a day), but I know many moms. Most of my friends are moms.

Usually people my age, who are not yet mothers, cannot stand listening to moms talk about their kids. But me, I love that stuff. I love hearing the funny stories, the frustrating stories, and the down-right lovable stories about mothers and their kids.

But of course, being friends with so many moms, especially on Facebook, I read a lot of statuses and blog posts about the "how-to"s. I see arguments--both sides. I see the posts about "feed your children only organic" and "use cloth diapers" and "get off your iphone." I see moms help each other out. And I see moms back themselves up on why they do what they do.

Often I laugh and sometimes I roll my eyes. Not because I am judging you or that I am being condescending. I am not a mom, what do I know, right? But what I am trying to say is that YOU ARE ALL GOOD MOMS!

It doesn't matter if your next door neighbour spent her day pureeing and freezing 5 years of fresh veggies and showered and took care of her kids, while you only managed to microwave a box of Kraft Dinner. You are still a good mom.

Maybe you are one of those moms that does make her own baby food. I think you are awesome too.

To me, being a good mom doesn't mean cloth diapers or disposable diapers, jars of baby food or homemade, homeschooling or regular school, having a set daily routine or just winging it from day to day. Being a good mom is love.

So maybe you do show your love through organic food and cloth diapers--you're keeping your children healthy. That is wonderful. I love it. But that doesn't mean the mom that doesn't do it all, does not love her kids.

We all feel love in different ways. We all show love in different ways. To our friends, our family and our kids. But love is what is important. I don't just mean saying you love them when you put them to bed at night. I mean the full out unconditional love. Which I am so sure you all have for your kids. If you have that love, that love that makes your heart hurt, then that's what I think a good mom is.

Stop reading facebook and thinking "I am a horrible mom" or "So-and-so does ________ and ________ for her kids, she is such a good mom. I am a horrible mom because I can barely get out of my jammies before noon."

My mom fed  me Kraft Dinner, I wore disposable diapers, I had a bottle until I was 4. Hey, I turned out okay. I have an amazing relationship with my mom. I know its because she loves me. She hugs me. She talks to me. She lets me be me. I have never had to walk on egg shells around her. I tell her the truth. Sure I have disappointed her and she has disappointed me. But she still loves me and I still love her. Unconditionally.

I have, and have had, so many mom-figures in my life. They are all so different and all have different opinions. But the reason they all feel like moms to me is not because they tell me what to do--they don't. It is because they give me advice and because they love me like a mother. Unconditionally.

One of my favourite bloggers/authors, Ann Voskamp, wrote a blog post about mothers recently. Read it here. I recommend you read it. It is amazing. But what I really loved was this:

"So God made a mother.

It had to be somebody willing to keep loving when it made no sense because that’s what love does."

That right there is unconditional love. It is the best love of all. It is the love that God shows to us. We mess up all the time, but He loves us still. That is the love that you should be reflecting. To your kids, and everyone else in your life. That is what makes you a good mom, sister, wife, neighbour and friend.

This weekend, when your kiddies says "Happy Mothers Day Mom!" Don't dwell on what you are doing "wrong" or differently than the other Facebook-Mommas. You got the best job in the world. I can't wait until I am in your shoes. So just love love love your kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Give them Kraft Dinner ;)

Joy

Joy is stalking me today.

The word had shown up probably 30 times already and it was only 10:15am.

I love it.

I am reading A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I have been reading it for a couple months now. I go for weeks without reading it and then once I pick it up again I wonder why I put it down in the first place! SO good. I am learning to give thanks in every moment in life. Even the hardest times where you think there is possibly no joy at all, there is. It is all about positive thinking. And if you know me, I try to think positively. While I was reading it last night, I read how when you give thanks you find joy. It may be a small glimmer of joy, but its there. If your feeling really down, find something to be thankful for, and you will feel a bit better. And that's the truth. I know because I've tried it. So, I fell asleep thinking about joy.

This morning, I woke up at 6:30am, to a text from my darling friend Sophia announcing the arrival of her baby, Mikayla Rose. Instant joy.

I woke up with a huge smile on my face. What is more exciting and joyful than new life, really?

My whole drive to school, I felt butterflies. Not nervous butterflies but just great amazing butterflies. All I could think was "joyful".

I was listening to my Kari Jobe CD. Which is amazing, btw. And what song comes on next? Joyfully. At this point, just the irony of it all is making me feel joy. 

Joyfully I lift my voice in praise to Thee

With heaven watching over me I raise my hands high

Your Majesty gently washes over me

Make my heart begin to sing, joyfully

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=av3thaKk3Ac

I got my classroom ready for the day. Wrote on the board that we would be reading Psalm 16 for devotions and the topic was... finding joy in the presence of the LORD. 

You make known to me the path of life;

  you will fill me with joy in your presence,

   with eternal pleasures at your right hand. (vs. 11)

I talked with the students for quite a while about how with God there is always joy. There is no need for sadness because He cares. He proved that when He sent His only Son to die for us. We're worth dying for. If you struggle finding any joy in life, please just take joy in that. 

I let 2 students choose a song from the Book of Praise to sing the morning. One student chose Psalm 81, "Sing a psalm of joy, shout with holy fervor..."

All day my heart was beating so fast. Normally this makes me anxious, but this was such a good feeling. It was pumping my body full of this joy that I had found.

After school, I raced around trying to get things done so I could get to the hospital and meet Mikayla. I love babies. Just the idea of snuggling a fresh baby gives me goosebumps. She is such a beautiful little girl. So teeny tiny. Instant love. Instant joy. I felt so much thankfulness to hold such a precious, innocent, new being. Hear all those cooing sounds that babies make. Sigh! I am so happy for Soph and Tim. :)

The whole drive home, I could not wipe that smile off  my face. And I hope it stays for a while. 

Give it a try my lovely readers. Look for some joy today. While your driving to work, taking care of your kidlets, or doing your groceries. Find one thing to be thankful for. Dwell on that for a moment. Forget the stress, forget the anger, forget the sadness. Focus on that one little thing for just a minute. Feel that joy. Feel His presence.

-Jenna

Experiencing a Christian Concert vs. a "Christian" Concert Part 2

Welcome back. I know I am slow at the whole blog thing. ;)

Here is the good experience. The happy one. The one that puts a smile on my face whenever I think about it.

While in Florida on the March Break, we found out that Chris Tomlin was in Florida too! So we got tickets and drove 2 hours to see him on our last day there. And Kari Jobe was going to be there too. Bonus! And Louie Giglio would be the speaker, and I had heard plenty of good things about him. Phewf! People I had heard of.

But I was scared. I was worried. I had only had the one experience with a "Christian" concert. And it wasn't what we had anticipated. What if I was disappointed again? So I walked into Chris Tomlin with my guard up.

Everything that I heard and saw, I thought through. I started to relax, I let my guard down. This was a safe place.

Honestly, I would take a trip to the states and pay big money just to see that concert again. It was a-ma-zing!

I was thinking I didn't know many Chris Tomlin songs, but I knew a lot of them from singing them in other churches and on my mixed CDs. And I sang my heart out. Livvy will agree with me, I am not a very good singer. I should only be allowed to do that the "oooo"s and the "ahhh"s, but I didn't care. I am pretty sure God doesn't care what my voice sounds like and He was who I was singing for that night.

One song on Chris Tomlin's new "Burning Lights" album is called "God's Great Dance Floor." Seeing 5000 people out of their seats, praising God in not only song, but also dance (YES, dance!), was just unbelievable. I don't think my heart has ever felt so much joy as I did in that moment. It felt so good, it literally hurt. By the end, my face hurt from smiling so hard.

Not only did we sing our wee little hearts out, but we listened to Louie Giglio talk about the story of the Prodigal Son. Many people don't know this story for what it really is. It is such a happy story. Whenever I hear the words "prodigal son," I think, Oh boy, the bad, rebellious kid! But that is not it at all. It is the loved  kid! When he returns home after his rebellious phase in life, his dad doesn't just say "Sucks to suck, see ya later." No, he hugs him and kisses him and throws him a party! As sinful human beings, we often leave God for a bit, maybe without even really noticing how far we have gone. Some of us maybe get caught up in crazy things, things we know are wrong but continue to do. But God always takes us back with hugs and kisses and He rejoices because we are back. So amazing!

Another thing Louie talked about that really blew my mind was just the whole concept of partying and dancing in general. When we think of the word "partying," we think, Well, we good Christian people we shouldn't be partying. Or my "favourite" line, "Don't dance, because you know that leads to..." (baha!). Louie said it so good. He said, "'Partying' was OURS first. The world took it and made it into something bad, but it was ours first." Partying is a celebration! And we can celebrate God everyday, any day. Hey, I could go for a daily party! Celebrating God, singing and dancing to His glory--That's just my kinda party. :)

This concert was literally a party. The best party I have ever been too. I let loose, I opened my heart, and I felt the Holy Spirit in me. I had no shame. I opened my hands to God, and He filled my heart.

Now that my friends, was a CHRISTIAN concert! The way it should be.

Also, this past week, I went to a Tenth Avenue North concert. It wasn't as much of a party as Chris Tomlin, but again, it was amazing. I had my hands in the air and I praised the LORD with every bit of my heart, mind, and soul. I couldn't think about anything except for how wonderful and gracious my Saviour is!

Oh, I just can't wait for the next one. July 19th and 20th--Beruna Christian Music Festival, here I come!

-Jenna

Experiencing a Christian Concert vs. a "Christian" Concert Part 1

A couple of months ago, my dad got tickets from a friend to go to Christian concert. He asked if any of us sisters would like to go with. I had never been to a Christian concert before and since I LOVE listening to my Wow Hits CDs, I said "ME ME ME!" Here is my horrific, but definitely a learning, experience.

I was so excited to go to this concert. I had never really heard of this group before. Didn't really know any of their songs. And that right there should have been a sign. Like I said, I listen to a lot of Christian music and Christian radio stations online. Once in a while, I go to other churches that sing praise and worship songs, so I know a lot of different artists. But this one, I didn't know anything about. But I thought, Dad is taking us so they must be good.

HA!

On the way there, I was in a horrible mood. I was so grumpy. I figured I will feel better once I get there.

We found our seats. The band came out. A lot of flashing, blinding, hypnotic lights. The music began. I waited patiently for the band to start singing...but they just kept playing. What felt like half an hour later, they started singing. And they sang the same words, over and over and over and over and over again. then there was an instrumental part. I am not talking a small 2 minute instrumental part, I am talking like 10 minutes. Then they sang again. Same words again again again. I didn't know the song but by the end, I was pro.

As I said, I frequent other churches and I can usually, more often then not, get really into those praise and worship songs. I can feel the presence of God in my heart. I can usually be brought to tears. But it wasn't happening. I started to get mad at myself. What is wrong with me? Am I in such a bitter mood that I cannot even open my heart to God today? I prayed silently. God, open my heart. Help me to praise you! Still something wasn't right.

People were swaying and arms were raised. Do not be worried. I have zero problem with this. I LOVE seeing people praise God with their whole heart. I love seeing people raise their hands when they sing to Him. I find it beautiful. But this was different. It was trance-like.

We sang a couple more songs. And I still felt no different. Then the speaker came out. He was a funny guy. I smiled at his jokes. He began to speak about their ministry. He talked about how the Holy Spirit worked in their congregations. Nice, nice.

Then he said, "While you guys were singing, I was praying to God to show me a sign. To tell me about this group. And what I saw before me was a picture of a spider on the back wall. And that picture was telling me that there is poison in the lives of these people. Raise your hand if you have poison in your life right now." Some people raised their hands. "Alright everyone, we will get that poison out of your life today! But first I want to deal with something else. Raise your hand if you struggle with migraines or headaches. Raise your hand if you have headache right now!" A couple people raised their hands.

"We are going to heal you! If someone around you has their hand up right now, put your hand on them. While we pray, I want you to touch their head like your pulling a spider web out of their hair and I want you to pray that God takes that headache away." HUH?! The people did as they were told. "Now raise your hand if your headache is gone." All those people raised their hands. Everyone cheers.  This is the moment where my right eyebrow went up. If you know me, you know this face. And I mean wayyyyy up.

This just wasn't feeling right. I have never really seen a prayer work quite that fast. But wait, it gets worse.

"Now, does anyone here struggle with a crooked spine, or scoliosis, or maybe one leg shorter than the other? If your one leg is shorter than the other, please come up here. We are going to heal you today and we are going to watch your leg grow out on stage!" About 5 people walk to the front. I look at my dad and my sisters with pure look of confusion. Are we really buying this? I'm the kind of person that gives things a chance. So I told myself to just wait and not to judge.

The speaker told the people in the front rows to come forward so they could see the legs grow, up close. These people put their hands on the short legs and prayed, "Jesus Christ, I command you to heal this leg right now. Right here before our eyes." Yes, command.

We heard a couple cheers and clapping. The speaker began to talk about what he was seeing. People's legs were "actually" growing out. "I wish we had a camera so I could show all of you what is happening right now!" He said. Meanwhile there were probably 5 video cameras on him as he said this. He invites a young guy up on stage to share what he saw, "WOW! That was crazy, man!"

"What did you see?" asks the speaker.

"I just saw that girls leg grow!"

"How much do you think it grew?"

"Like 2 whole inches!" said the young guy.

"WOW!"

Cheer cheer cheer.

At this point, I started to have a mini anxiety attack. I have anxiety on a regular day. But this was full blown anxiety coming on. I could feel my heart rate rising. I had a permanent frown in my brow. This cannot be right. 

As the night went on, we sang some more. Well it wasn't really singing. I couldn't sing. It was more like a moaning, droning on. I don't know how to sing like that. The speaker talked some more about the instant conversions that they had done. He told testimonies of people in the ministry who walked up to people with guns and instantly brought them to Christ. He talked about people doing crazy miracles in the the name of Jesus.

I was so confused. I wondered why my dad's friend gave him these tickets. I wondered if something was wrong with ME. I wondered if maybe I was wrong, and that this was actually okay and possible. But I felt so sick to my stomach. I was shaking like a leaf.

When we got to the car, I was still grumpy, if not grumpier, than when we left. My brain hurt. On the drive home, none of us really talked. When we got home, I didn't talk to anyone. I got my things ready for school the next day and went to bed. Later my mom would tell me that she knew something wasn't right with me. I was not myself.

While lying in bed, I tossed and I turned. What was that? Was it me? In the middle of the night, I woke up. Unable to fall back asleep, I checked my phone. I had a facebook message from one of the sisters that came with to this concert. When we were at the concert, she had checked us in on facebook. One of her facebook friends had seen what concert we were at and had felt the need to message Shayna and let her know what he knew of this band. Shayna had forwarded me this message. The relief I felt when I got that message is indescribable. He said he was not judging us for going because maybe we didn't know, but this band was something dangerous. He sent Shayna a link to a blog that spoke about them. His exact words were that they had "some sketchy stuff going on."

In the morning, I checked that blog. Sure enough, this band was practically a cult. They had testimonies of raising people from the dead. They believed in trance-like, hypnotic worship. After checking the band's website, I saw that they were really all about "me, me, me." If you were to read their "About Us", its all about how "we do this" and "we did that." They believe in connecting with "the spiritual fathers and mothers." They are all about the supernatural: healing (and I mean like commanding God to heal), speaking in tongues and resurrecting the dead.

I googled them some more. I looked deep into it. I got passed all the blogs that were in favour of it all, and found the ones that talked about other opinions. One man talked about when his wife got sucked into this cult. He said she went from being a loving, caring, wonderful wife and mother, and turned into a self-centered, antagonistic, miserable woman.

When I got home from work, I talked to my dad. I told him I wasn't too sure about this thing we had gone too. It seemed really wrong. Dad had felt the same thing and had checked it all out before he went to bed. So it turned out, I wasn't crazy. And my heart was not locked up that evening. I guess this was God telling me that this was not right.

It was a learning experience, that is for sure! Don't get me wrong, I am not condemning these people. I am not judging them. I pray for them, that they see the truth.

The moral of this story is, if you know nothing about the band, do your research BEFORE you leave for the concert! ;)

This is just part 1: the "Christian" concert experience. Stay tuned for part 2 where I experienced a Christian concert--the one with the happy ending.


-Jenna


P.S. If you are wondering why I did not post the name of the band, it is because I do not want to judge people. I know some people who really like their music and I do not want them to feel that I am condemning them personally. If you are really curious, feel free to message/email me and I will tell you the name.

Bananas

In case you didn't know. I love my job. And I know I am blessed because there are not many people in this world that can say that. But there is always a downside...

What's the worst part about teaching?

Bananas.

I despise bananas.

I don't know when this began. I remember eating them in my Rice Krispies as a kid. But even my students know, do not ask Miss Hordyk to open that banana unless you give her two paper towels along with it so she doesn't actually have to touch it.

And don't you dare eat it near her.

There is something about kids and bananas that has ruined the whole idea. For one, no matter how good your kid is at closing their mouth while eating, as soon as they get a banana, they forget that some people don't want to see the food slopping around. Or worse yet, hear it! Oooo that smucking sound could make me gag.

Second of all, they will eat a banana no matter what colour it is. I have watched kids eat yellow bananas--okay, I can deal with it, as long as your no where near me. And brown bananas--ick, save those for the banana bread please! And green bananas. Green, unripe bananas, don't peel nicely into one piece for easy disposal. The peel comes off bit by little bit. Which end up on the floor. Which then turn brown by the time anyone notices, but also fails to throw out. And their hands get all slimy trying to get that ridiculous peel off. ICK. I will eat banana bread and anything that is artificial banana flavour. For instance, I remember being jealous when my sisters got a prescription from the doctor for banana medicine. But real bananas. Ew.

Third of all, I hate that my students know that I hate bananas. I have come in my classroom after yard duty to find a banana on my desk. I have had a banana shoved up my nose, literally. Paintings in art class are often of bananas.

The kids like to tease me. But I suppose its okay. It brings some comical relief after a hard math lesson.

But the best part is, they laugh at my ridiculous fear. And when they laugh, I laugh.

Florida

You may or may not know that at this moment I am in Tampa, Florida with my mom, dad and little sister Olivia. I figured that since I am relaxing and not doing much other than sitting in the sun and reading a book, I should write a blog post. (Also, because a friend of mine told me that “a wee little bird” hadn’t told her anything in a while.) So I will tell you about my trip so far. This might just be a pretty boring post but its something for now. I got a better one cookin up in my brain as we speak--hopefully by the end of the week, I will have it posted.

We drove here. I told myself last year that I would never drive this ever again, but when it came down to a sun or no sun situation, I chose the sun. We left Friday morning before 5am, drove all day. I popped some Gravol in my mouth and slept most of the way like I usually do on long drives. Why, you ask? Because I am not a nice person when I am confined a small space with people. I get grumpy and sarcastic and I am just plain rude. So a sleeping Jenna is a better Jenna. But when I was awake, I was kind :) But I was also tired, groggy and, what my best friend would call, “overspunna.” At one point I started crying hysterically. It started when I was eating a Crunchie chocolate bar. About an hour later, I found a piece of that toffee that you find inside that chocolate bar, melted on my chest. That’s when the first giggle started. I picked it off with my fingernail, unsure where to put it. So I flicked it. It flew across the car and landed somewhere near my dad. I watched him look up, down, and sideways. He didn’t say anything. He just had this really confused look on his face. And that’s when I started laughing uncontrollably. And I could not stop. Mom and Livvy looked at me like I was crazy and asked me what I was laughing about. I couldn’t stop long enough to tell them what had just happened. Eventually huge tears welled up and started flowing out of my eyes like a fountain. Every time I caught my breath and tried to tell them what had just happened, I started laughing and crying all over again. I gave up, buried my face in my pillow and convulsed in silent laughter. Sooner or later, the giggles were far enough apart I could tell them happened, but they didn’t think it was as funny as I did. And you probably don't think its all that funny either. Like I said, overspunna.

That night we stopped in North Carolina at a cheap hotel. The receptionist told us to go to “Brintle’s” down the driveway for dinner because they had “good food.” Boy oh boy. What a lie. The place looked a little sketch as it was. Olivia and I ordered a pop. Flat as anything. The waitress asked, “Will you be ordering from the menu or going to the buffet?” We said we would try the buffet. If we were smart, we would have walked over the buffet counter and saw that it all looked disgusting. But after driving for 12 hours, I guess we weren’t so smart. “Yes, we will take the buffet.” We get out plates and head over. Corn? What corn? All I see is cloudy water! Oh, but if you dig, if you dig nice and deep in that heated pan, you will find corn at the very bottom. OK, I will take a small spoonful. French fries? OK I will give it a try. And a biscuit. It looked normal enough. It all tasted real gross. The French fries were alright other than the fact that they were soggy from the corn water. We all had about 2 bites off our plate. Mom and I ate our biscuits. And that was enough. We munched on snacks at the hotel instead.
We left before 5am the next morning and drove the 11 hours to Tampa. Nothing eventful happened on that trip. Liv and I watched Greys Anatomy and fell asleep halfway through every episode.

When we got to Sheraton Tampa East Hotel, we were greeted at the door by quite the friendly fellow. His name is Verone, I think. He asked where were from in his little accent. He offered to drive us anywhere we want to go in his little shuttle van. That way our parents can get “drunk at the restaurant” and not have not to worry driving. Um hello?! I am 21 sir. I know look like I'm 10 because I have no makeup on and my hair is a mess, but come on, you shouldn’t assume. ;) Now this guy bugs us anytime he sees us, asking where we’re headed and when he gets to drive us somewhere. Mom and I have made a sport of avoiding him at all costs.
This is a very nice hotel. A very large hotel. I don’t venture off too far anywhere because everything looks the same and I would get lost for sure. I know my way to the pool and to the room with the free snacks and that’s about it. We are on the 5th floor. Apparently this is the special floor. “Sheraton Preferred Guests” is what they call us. Why thank you dad's aeroplan points! Like I said, we have a room with free snacks. But you need your room key to enter.


You also need your room key to get the 5th floor. First evening here, mom and I forgot that rule. We were taking our time coming from the parking lot after dinner. Dad and Livvy booked it to the room. Mom and I get in the elevator, “CRAP!” we both say simultaneously. Bright idea—let’s just go to the 4th floor and take the stairs. We get to the 4th floor, and like I said, everything looks the same here. After wandering aimlessly for a while, we never found those stairs. We gave up and mom called dad.

Olivia and I are sharing this room (that sentence doesn’t sound right but spell check says it is, so don’t blame me for improper English). We have nice king bed to share. We can’t even see each other over the space and plenty pillows from our opposite sides of the bed. But for some reason I still feel Olivia’s feet every night. The girl sleeps on a slant. Who does that? Her head is in her corner of the bed but her feet are near me. Also, I think the A/C is broken in this room. We came in the room and it was set at 72 degrees. Since then, I have it cranked up to 80. It is still freezing in here. I am wearing jeans, a sweater. and slippers as I'm typing this.

So far, I have a sunburn. Woohoo! Sitting by the pool, palm trees overhead, listening to my ipod. It’s just lovely really. When we woke up this morning, it was raining. Boo! We went shopping instead and hopefully tomorrow will be a day full of sun. I heard the weather in Canada was nice. :) I am happy about that. I am glad that I am not hogging all the good weather to myself. In case you didn't know, sunshine is good for you.


That is all for now my friends! Hopefully I can keep my word and get that better post up by the end of the week.


-Jenna

Vulnerability

Blogging.

Sigh.

So difficult to do. And you don't realize how difficult until you actually start.

First of all, it's finding the time. I've been super busy lately. In the past 2 weeks, I have been home to sleep and that is about it. It is partly my fault. "You're only as busy as you want to be." I like to be busy. It is my fault. I take full blame for that one. Between parent teacher interviews and meetings, I book myself up with friends and family. Why do I do that? Because I am crazy. Not really. But I quite possibly could be if I am alone for too long. I cannot stand being alone. The 20 minute car ride to and from work, and all the various drives between, are alone time enough. Plus, I don't fall sleep easily, so I got that hour where everyone is sleeping and I am still tossing and turning. So add that all up and that's plenty enough time to make me think. And thinking is scary.

Second of all, I thought my brain was so full of great things to talk about on this blog and now it feels empty. I know it's not because I still have lots to say most of the time. If you talked to me in person I could probably chat your ear off once you got me started. But putting it out here for the "world" to see isn't easy, which leads me to my third reason...

Blogging makes you feel so vulnerable. After that last post, although I was happy I did it, I was still so nervous. What are people going to say? What are they going to think? I told myself I didn't care what people would say or think. But guess what? I am human. And I do care. I don't want to care but I do.

So I had to think once again, why am I doing this? Why am I writing a blog? Well I told you all the reasons before. But I forgot one. It's also because I don't want to care anymore about what people think of me to the extent that I am not being me. By writing a blog I can say what I want to say. In January, I wrote a note on facebook and in that note I said that this year, and all the years to come, I want to be real. I want to be me. The Jenna that God made me to be. Is this an excuse to be a snot and say whatever I want and feel? Of course not. There are boundaries.

I know I don't have to justify myself for this blog. But I feel like I should. Just so that I know that I made myself clear.This blog is not meant to bash or to put anyone down. It's not to make anyone look bad or feel bad. If you know me, the real me, the me that I am when I am just one-on-one with you, then you know that I care deeply. That I have a pretty big heart that loves easily. I don't like hurting people. I dislike it so much, that I even when someone hurts me, I will keep my mouth shut and take it, just so that I don't run the risk of hurting them back. I am not out to seek revenge. However, when I write something, I run the risk that people might misunderstand what I'm trying to say. If I ever post anything, anywhere, that you find hurtful or discouraging, I would like you to tell me so that I can explain myself if necessary.

There's no denying that I have been hurt before. Or that I too, have hurt people before. But I like to think that I have forgiven those people and I hope those I hurt have forgiven me. If you think I am still angry with someone, you're wrong. If you're ever reading my blog and think, "Jenna hates me." Then, you're wrong. I am not mad at anyone, nor do I hate anyone. Things have happened, things change. And no one is to blame for that. Things happen for a reason. You learn from it. God's got a plan and I am going to trust Him with my life.

So all I am trying to say is maybe blogging is harder than it looks. And maybe there will be a few days (hopefully not weeks), between each post. And maybe I am going to need to be brave. And maybe, just maybe, you will remember what I said next time you're checking out my blog and start to worry where my heart is. :)

The Need to be "In Control"

Lately, I cannot stop thinking about the future and feeling this need to be in control.

If you asked me 6 months ago what was in store for my future, I probably could have given you some long realistic-but-somewhat-fairy-tale story. So blind to everything else. So blind to think maybe God had another plan for me. Things were going my way again, I was "in control" and I was happy. I think. 

Then bam. Once again, the floor beneath my feet was torn out from underneath me. The anxiety that dwelt in my heart in a "previous life", kicked its way back in. That feeling that I didn't have any control. So what can I do? When I really think about it, I cannot help but laugh at my attempts to take control. For example, dying my hair red as opposed to my dark brown and getting contact lenses. LOL! Just typing that made me chuckle. Don't get me wrong, I love my red hair, but it is just funny to think that I do all this without realizing that subconsciously I do it to feel like I am in control.

Despite my many efforts to take control, I am reminded, time and time again, that ultimately, we are not in control. There was one day, a couple weeks ago when it was really bugging me. My whole drive to work that morning, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wondered what was going to be the next big chapter of my life. While I drove in my regular daydreamy-trance-like way, I prayed and prayed that God would take this fear of the future away, that He would help me to be patient and to just live for today. To put my focus on what mattered in that moment.

That prayer kept going through my mind as I walked through the icy cold weather from my car to the school doors, as I walked down the dark hallway to my classroom, as I turned on my computer, as I pulled out my breakfast, and as I pulled out my devotional. And low and behold, what was that devotional called that morning?... "Trust." As I read that title in my head, it sounded more like "TRRRUUUUUSSSSTTTTTT!!!!" I am going to share that devotional with you because I cannot even begin to summarize it. And, I bet that you will find some comfort in it as well, no matter what your life situation is at this moment.

Trust

"Trust in Me with all your heart and mind, and do not leave on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Such complete and utter confidence in Me has been your goal for years, but you continue to struggle with this. The main culprit is your  mind's ravenous appetite for understanding, fueled by a strong desire to feel in control of your life. You want to trust Me wholeheartedly, but you feel stuck.

Beloved, your desire to rely on Me wholly is a worthy goal. Now also believe that I am providing training through your life experiences, and that many of the difficulties your encounter are designed to help in this endeavour. Allow Me to do this supernatural work in your heart.

The Holy Spirit will help you think trusting thoughts, but He requires your cooperation. Instead of relying on your understanding to help you feel in control, ask My Spirit to control your mind. Then wait confidently to see the results. As you look to Me--trusting Me, talking with Me--I straighten out the path before you. "

(taken from Jesus Lives: Seeing His Love in Your Life- Sarah Young)

Now how amazing is that? You can just picture my jaw dropping to the floor in that moment. Not the mention the tears that welled up in my eyes as I sat there just staring at that page, as my cereal began to get soggy, thinking "Wow!" I have turned back to that page many times since, just to remind myself time and time again: Trust, trust, trust! 

God is bigger than us, bigger than any situation that gets thrown our way. He can handle anything. He will just pick us up off the floor and carry us along, helping us all the way. Someone once showed me this quote, "God will not protect you from things that He will perfect you through." Our futures may look cloudy to us, but to Him its crystal clear. We are on our way to perfection! And me, well I just can't wait!  

-Jenna

Why I Started a Blog...

"Why did she start a blog?" Maybe that is what you are thinking right now as you have found your way here. And that is something I asked myself many times before I started it. Why? There are a couple reasons...

1. I am always thinking. I think too much and I think too often. I can often be found staring into space, at the floor, out a window, etc. I have been doing that for 60% of the day since I was a little girl. I've been getting in trouble for it since I was in grade 1. "Jenna, pay attention." "Jenna? Jenna? Woooohooo? Anybody in there?" I was always daydreaming and it continues to be a struggle today. I will be driving somewhere and not know how I got to my destination because I was daydreaming the entire drive. Not safe, I know. But I cannot help it. My brain is always going crazy. I come home from a day at work and I will ramble my mother's ear off for hours later. I needed somewhere to put all these crazy thoughts and stories. 

2. I talk too fast. If you know me longer than today, then you know that I sure can talk. And I can talk really fast. If I have too much to say, then everything comes out of my mouth at super speed. Hopefully this blog will help me think through my thoughts.  

3. I want to share my experiences. I often find myself stumbling upon blogs that inspire me or just make me laugh, and I would love to do that for someone else. I have never seen myself as a good writer. I may be a teacher, but my grammar is never perfect. Sometimes I find myself saying "I seen..." instead of "I saw..." or "I have seen..." (and then continue to kick myself for it). Or I'll type "your" instead of "you're" in my facebook posts. But I like being able to go back on things I have written and remember what I felt then or what I was thinking. When I share an experience in some sort of writing, it gives me an opportunity to reflect on that experience. 

4. I want to share what God has done in my life. Just like everyone else, my life has not always been easy. Maybe your burdens have been worse than mine, or vice versa, but either way, we all have burdens and they affect us all differently. Everyday, I am so thankful for the hope that I have in Jesus Christ :) I haven't always remembered to look to God when I am discouraged, it has been a struggle my entire life. Recently, I started seeing things differently and I want everyone else to see it too because it makes me so excited! 

I hope this blog can bring some laughs and encouragement to all of us. 

-Jenna