Vulnerability

Blogging.

Sigh.

So difficult to do. And you don't realize how difficult until you actually start.

First of all, it's finding the time. I've been super busy lately. In the past 2 weeks, I have been home to sleep and that is about it. It is partly my fault. "You're only as busy as you want to be." I like to be busy. It is my fault. I take full blame for that one. Between parent teacher interviews and meetings, I book myself up with friends and family. Why do I do that? Because I am crazy. Not really. But I quite possibly could be if I am alone for too long. I cannot stand being alone. The 20 minute car ride to and from work, and all the various drives between, are alone time enough. Plus, I don't fall sleep easily, so I got that hour where everyone is sleeping and I am still tossing and turning. So add that all up and that's plenty enough time to make me think. And thinking is scary.

Second of all, I thought my brain was so full of great things to talk about on this blog and now it feels empty. I know it's not because I still have lots to say most of the time. If you talked to me in person I could probably chat your ear off once you got me started. But putting it out here for the "world" to see isn't easy, which leads me to my third reason...

Blogging makes you feel so vulnerable. After that last post, although I was happy I did it, I was still so nervous. What are people going to say? What are they going to think? I told myself I didn't care what people would say or think. But guess what? I am human. And I do care. I don't want to care but I do.

So I had to think once again, why am I doing this? Why am I writing a blog? Well I told you all the reasons before. But I forgot one. It's also because I don't want to care anymore about what people think of me to the extent that I am not being me. By writing a blog I can say what I want to say. In January, I wrote a note on facebook and in that note I said that this year, and all the years to come, I want to be real. I want to be me. The Jenna that God made me to be. Is this an excuse to be a snot and say whatever I want and feel? Of course not. There are boundaries.

I know I don't have to justify myself for this blog. But I feel like I should. Just so that I know that I made myself clear.This blog is not meant to bash or to put anyone down. It's not to make anyone look bad or feel bad. If you know me, the real me, the me that I am when I am just one-on-one with you, then you know that I care deeply. That I have a pretty big heart that loves easily. I don't like hurting people. I dislike it so much, that I even when someone hurts me, I will keep my mouth shut and take it, just so that I don't run the risk of hurting them back. I am not out to seek revenge. However, when I write something, I run the risk that people might misunderstand what I'm trying to say. If I ever post anything, anywhere, that you find hurtful or discouraging, I would like you to tell me so that I can explain myself if necessary.

There's no denying that I have been hurt before. Or that I too, have hurt people before. But I like to think that I have forgiven those people and I hope those I hurt have forgiven me. If you think I am still angry with someone, you're wrong. If you're ever reading my blog and think, "Jenna hates me." Then, you're wrong. I am not mad at anyone, nor do I hate anyone. Things have happened, things change. And no one is to blame for that. Things happen for a reason. You learn from it. God's got a plan and I am going to trust Him with my life.

So all I am trying to say is maybe blogging is harder than it looks. And maybe there will be a few days (hopefully not weeks), between each post. And maybe I am going to need to be brave. And maybe, just maybe, you will remember what I said next time you're checking out my blog and start to worry where my heart is. :)