Knitting a Sweater for Jesus

I have been avoiding the blog. And it's mostly because of this post. Every time I start it, I cannot seem to finish it. But now it has been 6 months and while I was driving in the snow tonight, In Christ Alone came on the radio and I couldn't help but think of her.

I think of her almost every day. I think of her more now than I did before she was gone and I think of her more than I did before she even got sick.

I think of her whenever I paint my toenails, particularly if I paint them red.
I think of her whenever I wear flowery sandals.
I think of her whenever I see a red Saturn on the highway.
I think of her whenever I eat a Scotch Mint.
I think of her whenever I sit behind that lady in church with the long white/grey/blonde braid.

I think of the way her eyes disappeared when she smiled. And how she always had to give us a wet kiss when she saw us. The way she used the phrase "Good Night" as a term of frustration.

6 months ago my family buried our beloved Grandma Horsman. She hadn't been feeling good for years but was diagnosed 8 months prior with pancreatic cancer.

My Grandma was amazing. I always loved my Grandma but since she got sick I realized just how special she really was. She was a knitting-queen. She could and would knit just about anything and everything. Every time there was a new baby born in her church, she would be knitting that baby something. She would fix the holes in our socks. If you had a favourite animal, she might just knit you a sweater with that animal on it. Or maybe that sweater might be 2 sizes too big because she was too excited about it to measure you first and well, too big is better than too small. But you never would tell her that because you know she put so much love and effort into it. And you will keep that sweater forever. Everything she knit had a tag that read, "Made with love by Grandma Horsman."

She was something special. She showed love to everyone. And she forgave when it seemed impossible.

I can still imagine her voice, her smell, her face. I don't want to forget any of it.

It hurts my heart to know Grandma won't be there to see me walk down the aisle in April. But when I got engaged in September, I thought about her and I could hear her voice so clearly in my head. I could imagine her voice getting all excited for me and all the questions she would have asked. And I'm so scared that there might be a day where I won't be able to remember it with such clarity.

And it makes me sad that there are all these great-grand-babies that won't remember that Grandma that we knew. And that Caroline, or any other new great-grand-babies that come along, never even got a chance.

But I am grateful for the time I got with my Grandma. And I thank the LORD that Josh got to meet Grandma too so that one day when I tell our kids about her, I won't have only my own memories to go by.

Sometimes I wonder what she is doing right now. And a part of me wants to think she is looking down at us. But I know that she has better things to do. She is rejoicing with Jesus in heaven. Free from her pain and suffering. And as Becky said in the eulogy, probably knitting Jesus a sweater. :)

Evelyn Horsman (nee vanHuisstede)

January 8, 1944- May 19, 2014

2013

I wasn't sure where to post this but I decided to put it both on Facebook like usual and on here. Every year for the past 3 years I think, I have made a reflection of the past year. Here is the one for 2013.

Only almost a month late but better late than never. 

SO here we are a new year once again. And I get extremely overwhelmed when I think back over 2013. It was probably the most intense year of my life. Maybe not physically, but mentally/emotionally I feel like I have grown into a brand new person. A year ago, I don't think I would recognize myself. 

Before writing these, I always read the ones from the years before. This time when I read them, I was bawling. And laughing. And then bawling again. I realized I had no idea what I was talking about. I had no idea what was going to come. But I had to smile because God has taught me so much. Last year, I struggled with the "WHYs."Why is God doing this to me? There must be some lesson in all of this. And I cry because I can remember that pain that I was feeling. The brokenheartedness. And I laugh because it is soooooo obvious to me now what God was doing. 

Like I said, 2013 was intense. I dare say that it may have been the best year of my life. 

I was a red head for a bit. That was cool. It was a moment of control in my life. I needed to have some control over something so I dyed my hair red. 

My sister Maddie got married to Kyle. It was such a fun day. That morning we were getting ready at Shay's and her heater ran out of oil. It was soooo cold. And getting pictures taken in that weather was brutal. But overall it was an amazing day. I was so honoured to be a bridesmaid. :) I love weddings. 

I went to Florida with my parents and little sister. I don't know why I bother thinking that I can handle that drive. I can't. I hate it. But for 5 days of sun, it might have been worth it. 

I started my blog. Which is terrifying by the way. But fun at the same time. You just need to be inspired once in a while. And then you need to put that in words. That is the hard part. And then it is public and anyone can read it. That part isn't easy either. I never knew I could write. But I am so thankful that God has blessed me with some kind of talent. 

I went to a lot of concerts. Which is amazing. Other than that horrible experience with Jesus Culture, I went to tons of great ones. I lost count. And in the summer, I went with my friend Teresa to Beruna! Which is a Christian music festival with tons of different artists. That was definitely a highlight of the year. 

In August, I got another new nephew, Jonah Hunter. I love him. He is too cute for words and so happy that is ridiculous. He never stops smiling. 

I also started my 2nd year of teaching. Which is not easy. The first couple weeks were so hard. I just really missed my kids from last year and I had a lot of trouble adjusting. But we are doing just fine now. 

Its funny how you just kind of let go of your life, let God take the reins, and accept things as they are and then He changes it completely. One day, I was at Sessy's house and I just realized how happy I was. I told her how happy I was and how I didn't need some man in my life right now to come in and screw it up. Not long after that (maybe 2 weeks), I was at a wedding where I saw the guy that I am now dating, for the first time. Funny how that worked out. But contrary to what I thought, he definitely has not screwed up my happiness. Josh has taught me a lot about how a lady should be treated. Sometimes I just get really overwhelmed with the whole thing because it just doesn't seem real. It sure is something else. I have learned what it means to be truly loved. And there is something to be said about a relationship that is centered completely around Christ. :)

But something that stands out above all this stuff is how much I have grown in Jesus. He has become the center of my life. And I cannot get over how much just focusing on Him has changed my life. It has changed how I have looked at everything. I started going to a Bible study with about 40 women that I didn't know and had the experience of a lifetime. I have spent hours reading blogs and books and the Bible and learning so much about God and His promises. 

I had some goals last year. And I think I have made progress in 2/3. I never went on a roadtrip. Well I guess I sort of did when I went to Florida but that's not the roadtrip I had in mind. I have definitely been a lot more real than I ever was. And I have grown much much much closer to God. But you can never be too close to God. :)

Now stepping into this new year, I am really excited to see what God does. I am excited to see what He teaches me and excited to see where He leads me. I have no idea what is going to happen but I cannot wait to find out. After much time in prayer and careful consideration, I can tell you confidently that there are some big changes coming. I am just not ready to announce them publicly. Changes that I never expected. But its the unexpected that brings the biggest blessings. 

2014 is going to be a big year. It's going to blow my socks off. There will be new babies to snuggle. Lots of weddings to attend. And big changes that are going to require trusting God every step of the way. I have am going to lift my life up to Him and let Him have His Way in my life. 

So here we go. 

Have an amazing 2014! :) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UveOPq_iao