Vulnerability

Blogging.

Sigh.

So difficult to do. And you don't realize how difficult until you actually start.

First of all, it's finding the time. I've been super busy lately. In the past 2 weeks, I have been home to sleep and that is about it. It is partly my fault. "You're only as busy as you want to be." I like to be busy. It is my fault. I take full blame for that one. Between parent teacher interviews and meetings, I book myself up with friends and family. Why do I do that? Because I am crazy. Not really. But I quite possibly could be if I am alone for too long. I cannot stand being alone. The 20 minute car ride to and from work, and all the various drives between, are alone time enough. Plus, I don't fall sleep easily, so I got that hour where everyone is sleeping and I am still tossing and turning. So add that all up and that's plenty enough time to make me think. And thinking is scary.

Second of all, I thought my brain was so full of great things to talk about on this blog and now it feels empty. I know it's not because I still have lots to say most of the time. If you talked to me in person I could probably chat your ear off once you got me started. But putting it out here for the "world" to see isn't easy, which leads me to my third reason...

Blogging makes you feel so vulnerable. After that last post, although I was happy I did it, I was still so nervous. What are people going to say? What are they going to think? I told myself I didn't care what people would say or think. But guess what? I am human. And I do care. I don't want to care but I do.

So I had to think once again, why am I doing this? Why am I writing a blog? Well I told you all the reasons before. But I forgot one. It's also because I don't want to care anymore about what people think of me to the extent that I am not being me. By writing a blog I can say what I want to say. In January, I wrote a note on facebook and in that note I said that this year, and all the years to come, I want to be real. I want to be me. The Jenna that God made me to be. Is this an excuse to be a snot and say whatever I want and feel? Of course not. There are boundaries.

I know I don't have to justify myself for this blog. But I feel like I should. Just so that I know that I made myself clear.This blog is not meant to bash or to put anyone down. It's not to make anyone look bad or feel bad. If you know me, the real me, the me that I am when I am just one-on-one with you, then you know that I care deeply. That I have a pretty big heart that loves easily. I don't like hurting people. I dislike it so much, that I even when someone hurts me, I will keep my mouth shut and take it, just so that I don't run the risk of hurting them back. I am not out to seek revenge. However, when I write something, I run the risk that people might misunderstand what I'm trying to say. If I ever post anything, anywhere, that you find hurtful or discouraging, I would like you to tell me so that I can explain myself if necessary.

There's no denying that I have been hurt before. Or that I too, have hurt people before. But I like to think that I have forgiven those people and I hope those I hurt have forgiven me. If you think I am still angry with someone, you're wrong. If you're ever reading my blog and think, "Jenna hates me." Then, you're wrong. I am not mad at anyone, nor do I hate anyone. Things have happened, things change. And no one is to blame for that. Things happen for a reason. You learn from it. God's got a plan and I am going to trust Him with my life.

So all I am trying to say is maybe blogging is harder than it looks. And maybe there will be a few days (hopefully not weeks), between each post. And maybe I am going to need to be brave. And maybe, just maybe, you will remember what I said next time you're checking out my blog and start to worry where my heart is. :)

The Need to be "In Control"

Lately, I cannot stop thinking about the future and feeling this need to be in control.

If you asked me 6 months ago what was in store for my future, I probably could have given you some long realistic-but-somewhat-fairy-tale story. So blind to everything else. So blind to think maybe God had another plan for me. Things were going my way again, I was "in control" and I was happy. I think. 

Then bam. Once again, the floor beneath my feet was torn out from underneath me. The anxiety that dwelt in my heart in a "previous life", kicked its way back in. That feeling that I didn't have any control. So what can I do? When I really think about it, I cannot help but laugh at my attempts to take control. For example, dying my hair red as opposed to my dark brown and getting contact lenses. LOL! Just typing that made me chuckle. Don't get me wrong, I love my red hair, but it is just funny to think that I do all this without realizing that subconsciously I do it to feel like I am in control.

Despite my many efforts to take control, I am reminded, time and time again, that ultimately, we are not in control. There was one day, a couple weeks ago when it was really bugging me. My whole drive to work that morning, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wondered what was going to be the next big chapter of my life. While I drove in my regular daydreamy-trance-like way, I prayed and prayed that God would take this fear of the future away, that He would help me to be patient and to just live for today. To put my focus on what mattered in that moment.

That prayer kept going through my mind as I walked through the icy cold weather from my car to the school doors, as I walked down the dark hallway to my classroom, as I turned on my computer, as I pulled out my breakfast, and as I pulled out my devotional. And low and behold, what was that devotional called that morning?... "Trust." As I read that title in my head, it sounded more like "TRRRUUUUUSSSSTTTTTT!!!!" I am going to share that devotional with you because I cannot even begin to summarize it. And, I bet that you will find some comfort in it as well, no matter what your life situation is at this moment.

Trust

"Trust in Me with all your heart and mind, and do not leave on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Such complete and utter confidence in Me has been your goal for years, but you continue to struggle with this. The main culprit is your  mind's ravenous appetite for understanding, fueled by a strong desire to feel in control of your life. You want to trust Me wholeheartedly, but you feel stuck.

Beloved, your desire to rely on Me wholly is a worthy goal. Now also believe that I am providing training through your life experiences, and that many of the difficulties your encounter are designed to help in this endeavour. Allow Me to do this supernatural work in your heart.

The Holy Spirit will help you think trusting thoughts, but He requires your cooperation. Instead of relying on your understanding to help you feel in control, ask My Spirit to control your mind. Then wait confidently to see the results. As you look to Me--trusting Me, talking with Me--I straighten out the path before you. "

(taken from Jesus Lives: Seeing His Love in Your Life- Sarah Young)

Now how amazing is that? You can just picture my jaw dropping to the floor in that moment. Not the mention the tears that welled up in my eyes as I sat there just staring at that page, as my cereal began to get soggy, thinking "Wow!" I have turned back to that page many times since, just to remind myself time and time again: Trust, trust, trust! 

God is bigger than us, bigger than any situation that gets thrown our way. He can handle anything. He will just pick us up off the floor and carry us along, helping us all the way. Someone once showed me this quote, "God will not protect you from things that He will perfect you through." Our futures may look cloudy to us, but to Him its crystal clear. We are on our way to perfection! And me, well I just can't wait!  

-Jenna

Why I Started a Blog...

"Why did she start a blog?" Maybe that is what you are thinking right now as you have found your way here. And that is something I asked myself many times before I started it. Why? There are a couple reasons...

1. I am always thinking. I think too much and I think too often. I can often be found staring into space, at the floor, out a window, etc. I have been doing that for 60% of the day since I was a little girl. I've been getting in trouble for it since I was in grade 1. "Jenna, pay attention." "Jenna? Jenna? Woooohooo? Anybody in there?" I was always daydreaming and it continues to be a struggle today. I will be driving somewhere and not know how I got to my destination because I was daydreaming the entire drive. Not safe, I know. But I cannot help it. My brain is always going crazy. I come home from a day at work and I will ramble my mother's ear off for hours later. I needed somewhere to put all these crazy thoughts and stories. 

2. I talk too fast. If you know me longer than today, then you know that I sure can talk. And I can talk really fast. If I have too much to say, then everything comes out of my mouth at super speed. Hopefully this blog will help me think through my thoughts.  

3. I want to share my experiences. I often find myself stumbling upon blogs that inspire me or just make me laugh, and I would love to do that for someone else. I have never seen myself as a good writer. I may be a teacher, but my grammar is never perfect. Sometimes I find myself saying "I seen..." instead of "I saw..." or "I have seen..." (and then continue to kick myself for it). Or I'll type "your" instead of "you're" in my facebook posts. But I like being able to go back on things I have written and remember what I felt then or what I was thinking. When I share an experience in some sort of writing, it gives me an opportunity to reflect on that experience. 

4. I want to share what God has done in my life. Just like everyone else, my life has not always been easy. Maybe your burdens have been worse than mine, or vice versa, but either way, we all have burdens and they affect us all differently. Everyday, I am so thankful for the hope that I have in Jesus Christ :) I haven't always remembered to look to God when I am discouraged, it has been a struggle my entire life. Recently, I started seeing things differently and I want everyone else to see it too because it makes me so excited! 

I hope this blog can bring some laughs and encouragement to all of us. 

-Jenna