Jumping Out of the Comfort Zone

I have spent the last 10 or so Saturday mornings in a small room, in a large church, with 40+ women, of many ages. And it has been the most God-filled, inspiring, beautiful 10 weeks of my life. We prayed more in those 10 weeks than I ever have in my 22 years. We laughed. We cried. We praised God through it all.

There is something to be said about jumping out of your comfort zone and doing what you never thought you could. Let me begin by telling you about the very first session we had together. 

I walked into that church full of nerves. I almost talked myself out of going many times. Satan attacked my thoughts and told me I wasn't good enough for this. I was too young. I was too inexperienced. I don't have a "good" testimony. I don't want to share. But I fought it and I jumped in. 

I didn't know a single soul. I figured hey, maybe I can play a little Dutch bingo and make a connection with someone. Those typical connections never happened. The only, and the most important, connection I made with these ladies was our love for the same Man: Jesus. 

Weeks before I had even heard about this Bible study, I struggled with knowing God's will for me. I wanted to know what He was saying to me. I wanted to know how to hear Him. Then one day, I stumbled across this Bible Study. We were going to be studying a book called "Discerning the Voice of God", by Priscilla Shirer. How perfect. God had spoken. 

That first session, we dove into scripture and talked about what we would be learning and what we already knew about God speaking to us. I don't know about you, but I have lived a lot of my life believing that God didn't speak to me. I am just a wee little lady. I am young. I am not that wise. I am not a minister. I am not a prophet. But this study was telling me the opposite. God doesn't speak to us the same way He spoke to Moses or Elijah, but He does speak to us through many means. 

That whole first day, I just sat there. Quiet. Not saying a word. I introduced myself. Told them where I was from, that I was a teacher and that I came from a family of 5 outrageously close sisters. And I thought well that's enough. I don't need to share more. 

We still had about half an hour left in our time together when the leader said, "Ok. For the rest of our time here, we are going to pray in our small groups. Instead of talking to one another about what is going on in your life and your heart, just say in a prayer to God." Instant panic ran over me. I cannot pray in front of these people. Maybe you do not believe me. Yes, I pray in front of my students. Yes, I pray on my own. But in front of 5 ladies that I don't even know? What if I say the wrong thing? What if they think I am praying for silly things? We were sitting at a round table and it turned out that I would be the last one to pray. The whole time those ladies were praying aloud, I was praying inwardly for God to give me the words to say. Lord, it doesn't need to be long. Just let me get this over and done with without making a fool of myself. But as it got closer and closer to my turn, this peace came in my heart. I still hadn't planned what I would say, but there was this peace. And suddenly, it was my turn. And I cannot even comprehend what came over me. Suddenly, these words came out of my mouth. And they just kept on coming. I opened up, I spouted out things that I didn't even know I was thinking. Tears streamed down my cheeks. 

(Side note: Have you ever cried with your eyes closed while wearing non-waterproof mascara? Yeah, not cool. Your eyelashes practically glue shut. When that prayer was done, I practically had to pry my eyeballs open. When I looked in the mirror later, my eyelashes had become one. One big clump on each eye. Pretty.)

When I opened my eyes. I looked at the lady beside me. And she gave me this look. A look that no one has ever given me. A look that made my heart swell. It was this look of love and knowing. She grabbed my hand and said, "Jenna, tell me your story." So there I went, telling her my whole life story. About my preconceived knowledge of God and how He worked and my journey with Him in the last year. When I was done and my tears stopped flowing. She said, "Jenna, I want to pray for you. Ladies, let's take a minute to pray for Jenna and what she is going through." And that whole table bowed their heads in prayer and prayed over me. For me. 

I have never had anyone pray like that for me. I have never seen anyone love a stranger like that. My heart overflowed. So did the tears. It was the most beautiful and humbling experience. And I will never forget it. 

From that moment on, I never missed a single Bible Study session. I have been up til 2am the night before for a girls' night at my cousins and got up bright and squirrely to go. I have bailed other plans just so I wouldn't miss it. 

The things I have learned. My views on God and His Word and His love for me has taken a complete turn. I have fallen in love with the LORD all over again. I just cannot get enough of Him. He has spoken straight into my heart. He has made a "new thing" (Isaiah 43:19) and that new thing is in me. 

I have learned to get out of that comfort zone. And it was uncomfortable and it was a battle field in my mind. But it is the very best thing I have ever done. And I don't regret it for the world. 

Next week is my last week in this specific study and I am sad that it is coming to an end. But the greatest thing is that it will never be over. His love for me is everlasting. And my love for Him and His Word just keeps on growing. There is no turning back now.

The winter study begins January 11. Will you to join us? :)


Jenna
xo

Thankful

As a kid, I used to say that thanksgiving was my favourite holiday and my favourite time of year. The only reason was my birthday is October 11 and it usually fell on, or very close to, thanksgiving. But this weekend, I realized I love it for more reasons than that. To be honest, if it weren't for the 10 text messages I received Friday morning, I would have forgotten it was my birthday all together.

Although, I hated the cold, the rain and the fact that the Horsman Bocce Tournament was cancelled this year, I still loved this past weekend with my family.

Every year for the past 10 years (?), the Horsman families and our close friends pack up clothing for all types of weather, and head out for the long drive to Bronte Creek Provincial Park. (That is sarcasm. It literally is 15 minutes from my house). You never know what kind of weather you are going to get. We've had years where we wear shorts and flip flops, years of snowsuits, years of raincoats and rubber boots. It is unpredictable. Almost gives you an adrenaline rush. You never know what you're going to get.

But there are some things you can be sure of when camping with my ever-growing family. You can guarantee that you will laugh a lot. You can guarantee that you will learn something new, whether its a fun fact, how to play a new game or, something you never knew about another person. You can guarantee to wear at least a sweater at night. You can guarantee you don't want to sleep in a tent. You can guarantee to eat baked goods and junk all day, and have an amazing dinner in the evening. You can guarantee that you will be up late at night and won't sleep in past 9:30. You can guarantee that you will have one short period of time that you are grumpy for whatever reason (most likely lack of sleep). And you can guarantee you will get suckered into pushing kids on a swing at least once all weekend.

I am so grateful that for the first time in 3 years, I spent the entire weekend with my family. I never went to other thanksgiving activities. I just spent time with the people that matter so much to me.

I am thankful that I have lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, cousin-in-laws, second cousins, and family friends. I am thankful that I have an amazing mom and dad, 4 awesome sisters, 3 super brother-in-laws, 3 handsome nephews and 1 darling niece. I am grateful that all these people love me no matter what. No matter how unfortunate I may look while camping. No matter what I am wearing. No matter what I say. And above all else, I am grateful that all these amazing people, love the LORD.

I am thankful that little Evelyn could come for an afternoon with her momma. I am thankful that my Grandma Evelyn could come for dinner last night. I am so thankful that the LORD blessed them with the strength, despite their illnesses, to visit us, even if it was only a short period of time.

The LORD has been so good to me the past year. He has pulled me closer to Him than ever before. Sometimes I feel like He is literally right up in my face saying "Woo-hoo Jenna! I am right here!" It has been amazing. But that is a topic for another blog post, coming soon :)

And to end of this blog post, here is a funny story from the weekend:

I don't remember what I was talking about, but I accidentally let a "bad word" slip from my mouth in front of my niece (3 years old) and nephew (2 years old). The bad word was "stupid" (Oh! The horror!). Levi looked up at me and said "Gasp! That's a bad word!" and Jaeda said, "Ya Jenna! That's a bad word! Next time I am going to wash your mouth out with soap!"

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Count your blessings. I can guarantee you have a lot to be thankful for no matter what you're going through.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

Don't you love it when someone forgives you? When someone shows you that grace? When you remember how God has forgiven you for the many things you have done wrong? It is beautiful, isn't it? It's so easy to love forgiveness when you are the one being forgiven.

But what about when you are on the other end? The one who has to show grace? It's not so easy to love forgiveness when you have to be the one to give it. 

It is probably one of the hardest things to do in the world. I like to think of myself as someone who forgives easily. But sometimes I wonder, did I actually forgive them? Or am I just saying I did so that I feel better and they feel better? Like I said before, I hate hurting people. So if I tell people they are forgiven then they don't have to feel bad anymore. But sometimes, I still feel angry. So did I actually forgive?

I recently read a devotional by Mike Donehey (lead singer from Tenth Avenue North). It was about forgiveness and it was based on their song, "Losing." (Scroll down to the very bottom of this post to see the video and hear the song) 

Forgiveness is so hard because it is losing.  

 "To forgive someone you do have to lose. Whenever there's injury, someone has to live with the pain, and to forgive means you accept it, and the offender goes free. Even though you're not at fault, if you're going to turn the other cheek, you have to absorb the pain so that you don't turn around and inflict the one who hurt you." (Mike Donehey)

When you forgive you are giving up your right to be bitter. There was this time, someone told me to just get over something and forgive. I remember saying in anger, "Just let me be mad for a minute!" But I wanted more than a minute. I wanted to dwell on that. I wanted to talk about it for a while. I wanted to bash that person. I wanted that person to feel as low as I did in that moment, whether they knew what I was saying or not. But is that beneficial to anyone? Would Jesus do that? Imagine if He were to dwell on our sins. We would never be forgiven. By the time He would be "over" what we had done, we would have messed up again. 

We don't want to be the bigger person. We don't want to give up the fight and let it go. We don't want to give up our privilege to be bitter. But that is not beneficial either. 

I think bitterness is the ugliest emotion ever. Bitterness is the emotion you feel when you think you are better than someone else. "I could never do what they did to me, to someone," you may think. But really? I know I do it. Maybe even subconsciously, but I still do it.

 I hate when I feel bitter. And I went for many years feeling bitter. And when you let that bitterness go, it is amazing. The weight that comes off your chest. Does it mean that I have forgotten what that person did to me? No. I probably won't ever forget. When I see that person, I will remember. But what I have forgotten is the hurt I felt. I know I felt hurt then, but that same hurt doesn't break my heart the same way it did that day and the days that followed. 

But if I continue to be bitter, I am going to live a lonely life. I won't see the joys in life. All I will see is the negative. And people get sick of bitter people after a while because it is not uplifting. And the person that hurt me, will they even realize that I am this way "because" of them? Probably not! So what is the point? The best way to deal with it, is to absorb it and "rob your enemy." 

 "But friend, if Christ said to forgive the very men who drove nails through his wrists, and the same power that flung Him from the grave lives in us, then surely, surely He can give us the power to lose, so that our aggressors weapons are rendered useless. Rob your enemy of their ability to offend you, by gladly taking the full brunt of their attack. It is then, and only then, that hostility is defeated and love conquers death." (Mike Donehey)

I know it doesn't sound easy. Because it isn't. But Christ never said it would be easy. It sure wasn't easy for Him. He had to lose too. He had to be humiliated publicly. He had to suffer. And really, He was thrown on a cross for us, nails driven into His hands and feet, a crown of thorns piercing through His skull. Since He underwent all this to forgive us, doesn't that belittle the suffering we experience when we forgive?

When I say "we," I literally mean we. I am talking to myself right now too. This Wee Little Bird has a lot of forgiving to do herself. If I really think about it, everyday I struggle with forgiveness. I let bitterness creep into the dark parts of my heart. I want to give that "bad driver" a piece of my mind. I want to call my phone company and yell a little bit for the mistake they made on my phone bill. I want to lose it on my sister for wearing my clothes. It is a daily struggle.

We need to just take a breather. Take a step back. Count to 10 or whatever. Remember the grace that God has shown us. And reflect that grace in our every day lives. And maybe it will come around full circle. Maybe you will forgive someone who has wronged you today and maybe one day you will be shown that same grace when you make a mistake.

So there you have it my dears. We have two options: forgiveness or bitterness. Either way we are going to lose, so why not pick the same option Christ chose for us?

Jenna
xo

P.S. I don't think this is over. There may or may not be another forgiveness post in the future.

P.S.S. I would love to hear your feedback. :) If you have a moment, respond with your thoughts on forgiveness. Discussion is always welcome around here.

Where did that Wee Little Bird go?

Hello!

I know I have been missing lately :( but its been busy. Here's a short little post to show you what I have been up to. 

Trying to look like the pic on the left and NOT the one on the right. 

 Trying to finish this online Bible study... 

...since this one already started.

Killing wee little birds. I know, too sad! But if it is any consolation,  I feel like this little bird on a regular day lately. 

Photoshooting with the cousins. 

Preparing for this concert on June 15. 

Falling in love with cute little creatures. 

Attempting to keep calm. 

And report cards and preparing for year-end field trips and keeping up a social life. 

But I promise you, something is coming. I was recently inspired to write about forgiveness. But whenever I try to sit down and write it, my mind gets caught up in other things. 

But like I said, it's coming! So hold on to your horses. I am not disappearing that quick ;) 

Jenna xo

Mothers

As I am writing this, I am relaxing on the couch with a glass of wine. I realized this is the most I have sat down and relaxed in quite a while.

I am not sure if I like it. LOL. I am not good at this whole sit by yourself and relax. Definitely something I need to get used to and start enjoying. But tonight I will take this moment to sit and just write. No interruptions.

With Mother's Day coming up, I have been thinking a lot about moms. I am not a mom yet, (even though at least one of the 19 students calls me "mom" at least once a day), but I know many moms. Most of my friends are moms.

Usually people my age, who are not yet mothers, cannot stand listening to moms talk about their kids. But me, I love that stuff. I love hearing the funny stories, the frustrating stories, and the down-right lovable stories about mothers and their kids.

But of course, being friends with so many moms, especially on Facebook, I read a lot of statuses and blog posts about the "how-to"s. I see arguments--both sides. I see the posts about "feed your children only organic" and "use cloth diapers" and "get off your iphone." I see moms help each other out. And I see moms back themselves up on why they do what they do.

Often I laugh and sometimes I roll my eyes. Not because I am judging you or that I am being condescending. I am not a mom, what do I know, right? But what I am trying to say is that YOU ARE ALL GOOD MOMS!

It doesn't matter if your next door neighbour spent her day pureeing and freezing 5 years of fresh veggies and showered and took care of her kids, while you only managed to microwave a box of Kraft Dinner. You are still a good mom.

Maybe you are one of those moms that does make her own baby food. I think you are awesome too.

To me, being a good mom doesn't mean cloth diapers or disposable diapers, jars of baby food or homemade, homeschooling or regular school, having a set daily routine or just winging it from day to day. Being a good mom is love.

So maybe you do show your love through organic food and cloth diapers--you're keeping your children healthy. That is wonderful. I love it. But that doesn't mean the mom that doesn't do it all, does not love her kids.

We all feel love in different ways. We all show love in different ways. To our friends, our family and our kids. But love is what is important. I don't just mean saying you love them when you put them to bed at night. I mean the full out unconditional love. Which I am so sure you all have for your kids. If you have that love, that love that makes your heart hurt, then that's what I think a good mom is.

Stop reading facebook and thinking "I am a horrible mom" or "So-and-so does ________ and ________ for her kids, she is such a good mom. I am a horrible mom because I can barely get out of my jammies before noon."

My mom fed  me Kraft Dinner, I wore disposable diapers, I had a bottle until I was 4. Hey, I turned out okay. I have an amazing relationship with my mom. I know its because she loves me. She hugs me. She talks to me. She lets me be me. I have never had to walk on egg shells around her. I tell her the truth. Sure I have disappointed her and she has disappointed me. But she still loves me and I still love her. Unconditionally.

I have, and have had, so many mom-figures in my life. They are all so different and all have different opinions. But the reason they all feel like moms to me is not because they tell me what to do--they don't. It is because they give me advice and because they love me like a mother. Unconditionally.

One of my favourite bloggers/authors, Ann Voskamp, wrote a blog post about mothers recently. Read it here. I recommend you read it. It is amazing. But what I really loved was this:

"So God made a mother.

It had to be somebody willing to keep loving when it made no sense because that’s what love does."

That right there is unconditional love. It is the best love of all. It is the love that God shows to us. We mess up all the time, but He loves us still. That is the love that you should be reflecting. To your kids, and everyone else in your life. That is what makes you a good mom, sister, wife, neighbour and friend.

This weekend, when your kiddies says "Happy Mothers Day Mom!" Don't dwell on what you are doing "wrong" or differently than the other Facebook-Mommas. You got the best job in the world. I can't wait until I am in your shoes. So just love love love your kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Give them Kraft Dinner ;)

Joy

Joy is stalking me today.

The word had shown up probably 30 times already and it was only 10:15am.

I love it.

I am reading A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I have been reading it for a couple months now. I go for weeks without reading it and then once I pick it up again I wonder why I put it down in the first place! SO good. I am learning to give thanks in every moment in life. Even the hardest times where you think there is possibly no joy at all, there is. It is all about positive thinking. And if you know me, I try to think positively. While I was reading it last night, I read how when you give thanks you find joy. It may be a small glimmer of joy, but its there. If your feeling really down, find something to be thankful for, and you will feel a bit better. And that's the truth. I know because I've tried it. So, I fell asleep thinking about joy.

This morning, I woke up at 6:30am, to a text from my darling friend Sophia announcing the arrival of her baby, Mikayla Rose. Instant joy.

I woke up with a huge smile on my face. What is more exciting and joyful than new life, really?

My whole drive to school, I felt butterflies. Not nervous butterflies but just great amazing butterflies. All I could think was "joyful".

I was listening to my Kari Jobe CD. Which is amazing, btw. And what song comes on next? Joyfully. At this point, just the irony of it all is making me feel joy. 

Joyfully I lift my voice in praise to Thee

With heaven watching over me I raise my hands high

Your Majesty gently washes over me

Make my heart begin to sing, joyfully

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=av3thaKk3Ac

I got my classroom ready for the day. Wrote on the board that we would be reading Psalm 16 for devotions and the topic was... finding joy in the presence of the LORD. 

You make known to me the path of life;

  you will fill me with joy in your presence,

   with eternal pleasures at your right hand. (vs. 11)

I talked with the students for quite a while about how with God there is always joy. There is no need for sadness because He cares. He proved that when He sent His only Son to die for us. We're worth dying for. If you struggle finding any joy in life, please just take joy in that. 

I let 2 students choose a song from the Book of Praise to sing the morning. One student chose Psalm 81, "Sing a psalm of joy, shout with holy fervor..."

All day my heart was beating so fast. Normally this makes me anxious, but this was such a good feeling. It was pumping my body full of this joy that I had found.

After school, I raced around trying to get things done so I could get to the hospital and meet Mikayla. I love babies. Just the idea of snuggling a fresh baby gives me goosebumps. She is such a beautiful little girl. So teeny tiny. Instant love. Instant joy. I felt so much thankfulness to hold such a precious, innocent, new being. Hear all those cooing sounds that babies make. Sigh! I am so happy for Soph and Tim. :)

The whole drive home, I could not wipe that smile off  my face. And I hope it stays for a while. 

Give it a try my lovely readers. Look for some joy today. While your driving to work, taking care of your kidlets, or doing your groceries. Find one thing to be thankful for. Dwell on that for a moment. Forget the stress, forget the anger, forget the sadness. Focus on that one little thing for just a minute. Feel that joy. Feel His presence.

-Jenna

Experiencing a Christian Concert vs. a "Christian" Concert Part 2

Welcome back. I know I am slow at the whole blog thing. ;)

Here is the good experience. The happy one. The one that puts a smile on my face whenever I think about it.

While in Florida on the March Break, we found out that Chris Tomlin was in Florida too! So we got tickets and drove 2 hours to see him on our last day there. And Kari Jobe was going to be there too. Bonus! And Louie Giglio would be the speaker, and I had heard plenty of good things about him. Phewf! People I had heard of.

But I was scared. I was worried. I had only had the one experience with a "Christian" concert. And it wasn't what we had anticipated. What if I was disappointed again? So I walked into Chris Tomlin with my guard up.

Everything that I heard and saw, I thought through. I started to relax, I let my guard down. This was a safe place.

Honestly, I would take a trip to the states and pay big money just to see that concert again. It was a-ma-zing!

I was thinking I didn't know many Chris Tomlin songs, but I knew a lot of them from singing them in other churches and on my mixed CDs. And I sang my heart out. Livvy will agree with me, I am not a very good singer. I should only be allowed to do that the "oooo"s and the "ahhh"s, but I didn't care. I am pretty sure God doesn't care what my voice sounds like and He was who I was singing for that night.

One song on Chris Tomlin's new "Burning Lights" album is called "God's Great Dance Floor." Seeing 5000 people out of their seats, praising God in not only song, but also dance (YES, dance!), was just unbelievable. I don't think my heart has ever felt so much joy as I did in that moment. It felt so good, it literally hurt. By the end, my face hurt from smiling so hard.

Not only did we sing our wee little hearts out, but we listened to Louie Giglio talk about the story of the Prodigal Son. Many people don't know this story for what it really is. It is such a happy story. Whenever I hear the words "prodigal son," I think, Oh boy, the bad, rebellious kid! But that is not it at all. It is the loved  kid! When he returns home after his rebellious phase in life, his dad doesn't just say "Sucks to suck, see ya later." No, he hugs him and kisses him and throws him a party! As sinful human beings, we often leave God for a bit, maybe without even really noticing how far we have gone. Some of us maybe get caught up in crazy things, things we know are wrong but continue to do. But God always takes us back with hugs and kisses and He rejoices because we are back. So amazing!

Another thing Louie talked about that really blew my mind was just the whole concept of partying and dancing in general. When we think of the word "partying," we think, Well, we good Christian people we shouldn't be partying. Or my "favourite" line, "Don't dance, because you know that leads to..." (baha!). Louie said it so good. He said, "'Partying' was OURS first. The world took it and made it into something bad, but it was ours first." Partying is a celebration! And we can celebrate God everyday, any day. Hey, I could go for a daily party! Celebrating God, singing and dancing to His glory--That's just my kinda party. :)

This concert was literally a party. The best party I have ever been too. I let loose, I opened my heart, and I felt the Holy Spirit in me. I had no shame. I opened my hands to God, and He filled my heart.

Now that my friends, was a CHRISTIAN concert! The way it should be.

Also, this past week, I went to a Tenth Avenue North concert. It wasn't as much of a party as Chris Tomlin, but again, it was amazing. I had my hands in the air and I praised the LORD with every bit of my heart, mind, and soul. I couldn't think about anything except for how wonderful and gracious my Saviour is!

Oh, I just can't wait for the next one. July 19th and 20th--Beruna Christian Music Festival, here I come!

-Jenna