Knitting a Sweater for Jesus

I have been avoiding the blog. And it's mostly because of this post. Every time I start it, I cannot seem to finish it. But now it has been 6 months and while I was driving in the snow tonight, In Christ Alone came on the radio and I couldn't help but think of her.

I think of her almost every day. I think of her more now than I did before she was gone and I think of her more than I did before she even got sick.

I think of her whenever I paint my toenails, particularly if I paint them red.
I think of her whenever I wear flowery sandals.
I think of her whenever I see a red Saturn on the highway.
I think of her whenever I eat a Scotch Mint.
I think of her whenever I sit behind that lady in church with the long white/grey/blonde braid.

I think of the way her eyes disappeared when she smiled. And how she always had to give us a wet kiss when she saw us. The way she used the phrase "Good Night" as a term of frustration.

6 months ago my family buried our beloved Grandma Horsman. She hadn't been feeling good for years but was diagnosed 8 months prior with pancreatic cancer.

My Grandma was amazing. I always loved my Grandma but since she got sick I realized just how special she really was. She was a knitting-queen. She could and would knit just about anything and everything. Every time there was a new baby born in her church, she would be knitting that baby something. She would fix the holes in our socks. If you had a favourite animal, she might just knit you a sweater with that animal on it. Or maybe that sweater might be 2 sizes too big because she was too excited about it to measure you first and well, too big is better than too small. But you never would tell her that because you know she put so much love and effort into it. And you will keep that sweater forever. Everything she knit had a tag that read, "Made with love by Grandma Horsman."

She was something special. She showed love to everyone. And she forgave when it seemed impossible.

I can still imagine her voice, her smell, her face. I don't want to forget any of it.

It hurts my heart to know Grandma won't be there to see me walk down the aisle in April. But when I got engaged in September, I thought about her and I could hear her voice so clearly in my head. I could imagine her voice getting all excited for me and all the questions she would have asked. And I'm so scared that there might be a day where I won't be able to remember it with such clarity.

And it makes me sad that there are all these great-grand-babies that won't remember that Grandma that we knew. And that Caroline, or any other new great-grand-babies that come along, never even got a chance.

But I am grateful for the time I got with my Grandma. And I thank the LORD that Josh got to meet Grandma too so that one day when I tell our kids about her, I won't have only my own memories to go by.

Sometimes I wonder what she is doing right now. And a part of me wants to think she is looking down at us. But I know that she has better things to do. She is rejoicing with Jesus in heaven. Free from her pain and suffering. And as Becky said in the eulogy, probably knitting Jesus a sweater. :)

Evelyn Horsman (nee vanHuisstede)

January 8, 1944- May 19, 2014

2013

I wasn't sure where to post this but I decided to put it both on Facebook like usual and on here. Every year for the past 3 years I think, I have made a reflection of the past year. Here is the one for 2013.

Only almost a month late but better late than never. 

SO here we are a new year once again. And I get extremely overwhelmed when I think back over 2013. It was probably the most intense year of my life. Maybe not physically, but mentally/emotionally I feel like I have grown into a brand new person. A year ago, I don't think I would recognize myself. 

Before writing these, I always read the ones from the years before. This time when I read them, I was bawling. And laughing. And then bawling again. I realized I had no idea what I was talking about. I had no idea what was going to come. But I had to smile because God has taught me so much. Last year, I struggled with the "WHYs."Why is God doing this to me? There must be some lesson in all of this. And I cry because I can remember that pain that I was feeling. The brokenheartedness. And I laugh because it is soooooo obvious to me now what God was doing. 

Like I said, 2013 was intense. I dare say that it may have been the best year of my life. 

I was a red head for a bit. That was cool. It was a moment of control in my life. I needed to have some control over something so I dyed my hair red. 

My sister Maddie got married to Kyle. It was such a fun day. That morning we were getting ready at Shay's and her heater ran out of oil. It was soooo cold. And getting pictures taken in that weather was brutal. But overall it was an amazing day. I was so honoured to be a bridesmaid. :) I love weddings. 

I went to Florida with my parents and little sister. I don't know why I bother thinking that I can handle that drive. I can't. I hate it. But for 5 days of sun, it might have been worth it. 

I started my blog. Which is terrifying by the way. But fun at the same time. You just need to be inspired once in a while. And then you need to put that in words. That is the hard part. And then it is public and anyone can read it. That part isn't easy either. I never knew I could write. But I am so thankful that God has blessed me with some kind of talent. 

I went to a lot of concerts. Which is amazing. Other than that horrible experience with Jesus Culture, I went to tons of great ones. I lost count. And in the summer, I went with my friend Teresa to Beruna! Which is a Christian music festival with tons of different artists. That was definitely a highlight of the year. 

In August, I got another new nephew, Jonah Hunter. I love him. He is too cute for words and so happy that is ridiculous. He never stops smiling. 

I also started my 2nd year of teaching. Which is not easy. The first couple weeks were so hard. I just really missed my kids from last year and I had a lot of trouble adjusting. But we are doing just fine now. 

Its funny how you just kind of let go of your life, let God take the reins, and accept things as they are and then He changes it completely. One day, I was at Sessy's house and I just realized how happy I was. I told her how happy I was and how I didn't need some man in my life right now to come in and screw it up. Not long after that (maybe 2 weeks), I was at a wedding where I saw the guy that I am now dating, for the first time. Funny how that worked out. But contrary to what I thought, he definitely has not screwed up my happiness. Josh has taught me a lot about how a lady should be treated. Sometimes I just get really overwhelmed with the whole thing because it just doesn't seem real. It sure is something else. I have learned what it means to be truly loved. And there is something to be said about a relationship that is centered completely around Christ. :)

But something that stands out above all this stuff is how much I have grown in Jesus. He has become the center of my life. And I cannot get over how much just focusing on Him has changed my life. It has changed how I have looked at everything. I started going to a Bible study with about 40 women that I didn't know and had the experience of a lifetime. I have spent hours reading blogs and books and the Bible and learning so much about God and His promises. 

I had some goals last year. And I think I have made progress in 2/3. I never went on a roadtrip. Well I guess I sort of did when I went to Florida but that's not the roadtrip I had in mind. I have definitely been a lot more real than I ever was. And I have grown much much much closer to God. But you can never be too close to God. :)

Now stepping into this new year, I am really excited to see what God does. I am excited to see what He teaches me and excited to see where He leads me. I have no idea what is going to happen but I cannot wait to find out. After much time in prayer and careful consideration, I can tell you confidently that there are some big changes coming. I am just not ready to announce them publicly. Changes that I never expected. But its the unexpected that brings the biggest blessings. 

2014 is going to be a big year. It's going to blow my socks off. There will be new babies to snuggle. Lots of weddings to attend. And big changes that are going to require trusting God every step of the way. I have am going to lift my life up to Him and let Him have His Way in my life. 

So here we go. 

Have an amazing 2014! :) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UveOPq_iao

Jumping Out of the Comfort Zone

I have spent the last 10 or so Saturday mornings in a small room, in a large church, with 40+ women, of many ages. And it has been the most God-filled, inspiring, beautiful 10 weeks of my life. We prayed more in those 10 weeks than I ever have in my 22 years. We laughed. We cried. We praised God through it all.

There is something to be said about jumping out of your comfort zone and doing what you never thought you could. Let me begin by telling you about the very first session we had together. 

I walked into that church full of nerves. I almost talked myself out of going many times. Satan attacked my thoughts and told me I wasn't good enough for this. I was too young. I was too inexperienced. I don't have a "good" testimony. I don't want to share. But I fought it and I jumped in. 

I didn't know a single soul. I figured hey, maybe I can play a little Dutch bingo and make a connection with someone. Those typical connections never happened. The only, and the most important, connection I made with these ladies was our love for the same Man: Jesus. 

Weeks before I had even heard about this Bible study, I struggled with knowing God's will for me. I wanted to know what He was saying to me. I wanted to know how to hear Him. Then one day, I stumbled across this Bible Study. We were going to be studying a book called "Discerning the Voice of God", by Priscilla Shirer. How perfect. God had spoken. 

That first session, we dove into scripture and talked about what we would be learning and what we already knew about God speaking to us. I don't know about you, but I have lived a lot of my life believing that God didn't speak to me. I am just a wee little lady. I am young. I am not that wise. I am not a minister. I am not a prophet. But this study was telling me the opposite. God doesn't speak to us the same way He spoke to Moses or Elijah, but He does speak to us through many means. 

That whole first day, I just sat there. Quiet. Not saying a word. I introduced myself. Told them where I was from, that I was a teacher and that I came from a family of 5 outrageously close sisters. And I thought well that's enough. I don't need to share more. 

We still had about half an hour left in our time together when the leader said, "Ok. For the rest of our time here, we are going to pray in our small groups. Instead of talking to one another about what is going on in your life and your heart, just say in a prayer to God." Instant panic ran over me. I cannot pray in front of these people. Maybe you do not believe me. Yes, I pray in front of my students. Yes, I pray on my own. But in front of 5 ladies that I don't even know? What if I say the wrong thing? What if they think I am praying for silly things? We were sitting at a round table and it turned out that I would be the last one to pray. The whole time those ladies were praying aloud, I was praying inwardly for God to give me the words to say. Lord, it doesn't need to be long. Just let me get this over and done with without making a fool of myself. But as it got closer and closer to my turn, this peace came in my heart. I still hadn't planned what I would say, but there was this peace. And suddenly, it was my turn. And I cannot even comprehend what came over me. Suddenly, these words came out of my mouth. And they just kept on coming. I opened up, I spouted out things that I didn't even know I was thinking. Tears streamed down my cheeks. 

(Side note: Have you ever cried with your eyes closed while wearing non-waterproof mascara? Yeah, not cool. Your eyelashes practically glue shut. When that prayer was done, I practically had to pry my eyeballs open. When I looked in the mirror later, my eyelashes had become one. One big clump on each eye. Pretty.)

When I opened my eyes. I looked at the lady beside me. And she gave me this look. A look that no one has ever given me. A look that made my heart swell. It was this look of love and knowing. She grabbed my hand and said, "Jenna, tell me your story." So there I went, telling her my whole life story. About my preconceived knowledge of God and how He worked and my journey with Him in the last year. When I was done and my tears stopped flowing. She said, "Jenna, I want to pray for you. Ladies, let's take a minute to pray for Jenna and what she is going through." And that whole table bowed their heads in prayer and prayed over me. For me. 

I have never had anyone pray like that for me. I have never seen anyone love a stranger like that. My heart overflowed. So did the tears. It was the most beautiful and humbling experience. And I will never forget it. 

From that moment on, I never missed a single Bible Study session. I have been up til 2am the night before for a girls' night at my cousins and got up bright and squirrely to go. I have bailed other plans just so I wouldn't miss it. 

The things I have learned. My views on God and His Word and His love for me has taken a complete turn. I have fallen in love with the LORD all over again. I just cannot get enough of Him. He has spoken straight into my heart. He has made a "new thing" (Isaiah 43:19) and that new thing is in me. 

I have learned to get out of that comfort zone. And it was uncomfortable and it was a battle field in my mind. But it is the very best thing I have ever done. And I don't regret it for the world. 

Next week is my last week in this specific study and I am sad that it is coming to an end. But the greatest thing is that it will never be over. His love for me is everlasting. And my love for Him and His Word just keeps on growing. There is no turning back now.

The winter study begins January 11. Will you to join us? :)


Jenna
xo

Thankful

As a kid, I used to say that thanksgiving was my favourite holiday and my favourite time of year. The only reason was my birthday is October 11 and it usually fell on, or very close to, thanksgiving. But this weekend, I realized I love it for more reasons than that. To be honest, if it weren't for the 10 text messages I received Friday morning, I would have forgotten it was my birthday all together.

Although, I hated the cold, the rain and the fact that the Horsman Bocce Tournament was cancelled this year, I still loved this past weekend with my family.

Every year for the past 10 years (?), the Horsman families and our close friends pack up clothing for all types of weather, and head out for the long drive to Bronte Creek Provincial Park. (That is sarcasm. It literally is 15 minutes from my house). You never know what kind of weather you are going to get. We've had years where we wear shorts and flip flops, years of snowsuits, years of raincoats and rubber boots. It is unpredictable. Almost gives you an adrenaline rush. You never know what you're going to get.

But there are some things you can be sure of when camping with my ever-growing family. You can guarantee that you will laugh a lot. You can guarantee that you will learn something new, whether its a fun fact, how to play a new game or, something you never knew about another person. You can guarantee to wear at least a sweater at night. You can guarantee you don't want to sleep in a tent. You can guarantee to eat baked goods and junk all day, and have an amazing dinner in the evening. You can guarantee that you will be up late at night and won't sleep in past 9:30. You can guarantee that you will have one short period of time that you are grumpy for whatever reason (most likely lack of sleep). And you can guarantee you will get suckered into pushing kids on a swing at least once all weekend.

I am so grateful that for the first time in 3 years, I spent the entire weekend with my family. I never went to other thanksgiving activities. I just spent time with the people that matter so much to me.

I am thankful that I have lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, cousin-in-laws, second cousins, and family friends. I am thankful that I have an amazing mom and dad, 4 awesome sisters, 3 super brother-in-laws, 3 handsome nephews and 1 darling niece. I am grateful that all these people love me no matter what. No matter how unfortunate I may look while camping. No matter what I am wearing. No matter what I say. And above all else, I am grateful that all these amazing people, love the LORD.

I am thankful that little Evelyn could come for an afternoon with her momma. I am thankful that my Grandma Evelyn could come for dinner last night. I am so thankful that the LORD blessed them with the strength, despite their illnesses, to visit us, even if it was only a short period of time.

The LORD has been so good to me the past year. He has pulled me closer to Him than ever before. Sometimes I feel like He is literally right up in my face saying "Woo-hoo Jenna! I am right here!" It has been amazing. But that is a topic for another blog post, coming soon :)

And to end of this blog post, here is a funny story from the weekend:

I don't remember what I was talking about, but I accidentally let a "bad word" slip from my mouth in front of my niece (3 years old) and nephew (2 years old). The bad word was "stupid" (Oh! The horror!). Levi looked up at me and said "Gasp! That's a bad word!" and Jaeda said, "Ya Jenna! That's a bad word! Next time I am going to wash your mouth out with soap!"

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Count your blessings. I can guarantee you have a lot to be thankful for no matter what you're going through.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

Don't you love it when someone forgives you? When someone shows you that grace? When you remember how God has forgiven you for the many things you have done wrong? It is beautiful, isn't it? It's so easy to love forgiveness when you are the one being forgiven.

But what about when you are on the other end? The one who has to show grace? It's not so easy to love forgiveness when you have to be the one to give it. 

It is probably one of the hardest things to do in the world. I like to think of myself as someone who forgives easily. But sometimes I wonder, did I actually forgive them? Or am I just saying I did so that I feel better and they feel better? Like I said before, I hate hurting people. So if I tell people they are forgiven then they don't have to feel bad anymore. But sometimes, I still feel angry. So did I actually forgive?

I recently read a devotional by Mike Donehey (lead singer from Tenth Avenue North). It was about forgiveness and it was based on their song, "Losing." (Scroll down to the very bottom of this post to see the video and hear the song) 

Forgiveness is so hard because it is losing.  

 "To forgive someone you do have to lose. Whenever there's injury, someone has to live with the pain, and to forgive means you accept it, and the offender goes free. Even though you're not at fault, if you're going to turn the other cheek, you have to absorb the pain so that you don't turn around and inflict the one who hurt you." (Mike Donehey)

When you forgive you are giving up your right to be bitter. There was this time, someone told me to just get over something and forgive. I remember saying in anger, "Just let me be mad for a minute!" But I wanted more than a minute. I wanted to dwell on that. I wanted to talk about it for a while. I wanted to bash that person. I wanted that person to feel as low as I did in that moment, whether they knew what I was saying or not. But is that beneficial to anyone? Would Jesus do that? Imagine if He were to dwell on our sins. We would never be forgiven. By the time He would be "over" what we had done, we would have messed up again. 

We don't want to be the bigger person. We don't want to give up the fight and let it go. We don't want to give up our privilege to be bitter. But that is not beneficial either. 

I think bitterness is the ugliest emotion ever. Bitterness is the emotion you feel when you think you are better than someone else. "I could never do what they did to me, to someone," you may think. But really? I know I do it. Maybe even subconsciously, but I still do it.

 I hate when I feel bitter. And I went for many years feeling bitter. And when you let that bitterness go, it is amazing. The weight that comes off your chest. Does it mean that I have forgotten what that person did to me? No. I probably won't ever forget. When I see that person, I will remember. But what I have forgotten is the hurt I felt. I know I felt hurt then, but that same hurt doesn't break my heart the same way it did that day and the days that followed. 

But if I continue to be bitter, I am going to live a lonely life. I won't see the joys in life. All I will see is the negative. And people get sick of bitter people after a while because it is not uplifting. And the person that hurt me, will they even realize that I am this way "because" of them? Probably not! So what is the point? The best way to deal with it, is to absorb it and "rob your enemy." 

 "But friend, if Christ said to forgive the very men who drove nails through his wrists, and the same power that flung Him from the grave lives in us, then surely, surely He can give us the power to lose, so that our aggressors weapons are rendered useless. Rob your enemy of their ability to offend you, by gladly taking the full brunt of their attack. It is then, and only then, that hostility is defeated and love conquers death." (Mike Donehey)

I know it doesn't sound easy. Because it isn't. But Christ never said it would be easy. It sure wasn't easy for Him. He had to lose too. He had to be humiliated publicly. He had to suffer. And really, He was thrown on a cross for us, nails driven into His hands and feet, a crown of thorns piercing through His skull. Since He underwent all this to forgive us, doesn't that belittle the suffering we experience when we forgive?

When I say "we," I literally mean we. I am talking to myself right now too. This Wee Little Bird has a lot of forgiving to do herself. If I really think about it, everyday I struggle with forgiveness. I let bitterness creep into the dark parts of my heart. I want to give that "bad driver" a piece of my mind. I want to call my phone company and yell a little bit for the mistake they made on my phone bill. I want to lose it on my sister for wearing my clothes. It is a daily struggle.

We need to just take a breather. Take a step back. Count to 10 or whatever. Remember the grace that God has shown us. And reflect that grace in our every day lives. And maybe it will come around full circle. Maybe you will forgive someone who has wronged you today and maybe one day you will be shown that same grace when you make a mistake.

So there you have it my dears. We have two options: forgiveness or bitterness. Either way we are going to lose, so why not pick the same option Christ chose for us?

Jenna
xo

P.S. I don't think this is over. There may or may not be another forgiveness post in the future.

P.S.S. I would love to hear your feedback. :) If you have a moment, respond with your thoughts on forgiveness. Discussion is always welcome around here.

Where did that Wee Little Bird go?

Hello!

I know I have been missing lately :( but its been busy. Here's a short little post to show you what I have been up to. 

Trying to look like the pic on the left and NOT the one on the right. 

 Trying to finish this online Bible study... 

...since this one already started.

Killing wee little birds. I know, too sad! But if it is any consolation,  I feel like this little bird on a regular day lately. 

Photoshooting with the cousins. 

Preparing for this concert on June 15. 

Falling in love with cute little creatures. 

Attempting to keep calm. 

And report cards and preparing for year-end field trips and keeping up a social life. 

But I promise you, something is coming. I was recently inspired to write about forgiveness. But whenever I try to sit down and write it, my mind gets caught up in other things. 

But like I said, it's coming! So hold on to your horses. I am not disappearing that quick ;) 

Jenna xo

Mothers

As I am writing this, I am relaxing on the couch with a glass of wine. I realized this is the most I have sat down and relaxed in quite a while.

I am not sure if I like it. LOL. I am not good at this whole sit by yourself and relax. Definitely something I need to get used to and start enjoying. But tonight I will take this moment to sit and just write. No interruptions.

With Mother's Day coming up, I have been thinking a lot about moms. I am not a mom yet, (even though at least one of the 19 students calls me "mom" at least once a day), but I know many moms. Most of my friends are moms.

Usually people my age, who are not yet mothers, cannot stand listening to moms talk about their kids. But me, I love that stuff. I love hearing the funny stories, the frustrating stories, and the down-right lovable stories about mothers and their kids.

But of course, being friends with so many moms, especially on Facebook, I read a lot of statuses and blog posts about the "how-to"s. I see arguments--both sides. I see the posts about "feed your children only organic" and "use cloth diapers" and "get off your iphone." I see moms help each other out. And I see moms back themselves up on why they do what they do.

Often I laugh and sometimes I roll my eyes. Not because I am judging you or that I am being condescending. I am not a mom, what do I know, right? But what I am trying to say is that YOU ARE ALL GOOD MOMS!

It doesn't matter if your next door neighbour spent her day pureeing and freezing 5 years of fresh veggies and showered and took care of her kids, while you only managed to microwave a box of Kraft Dinner. You are still a good mom.

Maybe you are one of those moms that does make her own baby food. I think you are awesome too.

To me, being a good mom doesn't mean cloth diapers or disposable diapers, jars of baby food or homemade, homeschooling or regular school, having a set daily routine or just winging it from day to day. Being a good mom is love.

So maybe you do show your love through organic food and cloth diapers--you're keeping your children healthy. That is wonderful. I love it. But that doesn't mean the mom that doesn't do it all, does not love her kids.

We all feel love in different ways. We all show love in different ways. To our friends, our family and our kids. But love is what is important. I don't just mean saying you love them when you put them to bed at night. I mean the full out unconditional love. Which I am so sure you all have for your kids. If you have that love, that love that makes your heart hurt, then that's what I think a good mom is.

Stop reading facebook and thinking "I am a horrible mom" or "So-and-so does ________ and ________ for her kids, she is such a good mom. I am a horrible mom because I can barely get out of my jammies before noon."

My mom fed  me Kraft Dinner, I wore disposable diapers, I had a bottle until I was 4. Hey, I turned out okay. I have an amazing relationship with my mom. I know its because she loves me. She hugs me. She talks to me. She lets me be me. I have never had to walk on egg shells around her. I tell her the truth. Sure I have disappointed her and she has disappointed me. But she still loves me and I still love her. Unconditionally.

I have, and have had, so many mom-figures in my life. They are all so different and all have different opinions. But the reason they all feel like moms to me is not because they tell me what to do--they don't. It is because they give me advice and because they love me like a mother. Unconditionally.

One of my favourite bloggers/authors, Ann Voskamp, wrote a blog post about mothers recently. Read it here. I recommend you read it. It is amazing. But what I really loved was this:

"So God made a mother.

It had to be somebody willing to keep loving when it made no sense because that’s what love does."

That right there is unconditional love. It is the best love of all. It is the love that God shows to us. We mess up all the time, but He loves us still. That is the love that you should be reflecting. To your kids, and everyone else in your life. That is what makes you a good mom, sister, wife, neighbour and friend.

This weekend, when your kiddies says "Happy Mothers Day Mom!" Don't dwell on what you are doing "wrong" or differently than the other Facebook-Mommas. You got the best job in the world. I can't wait until I am in your shoes. So just love love love your kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Give them Kraft Dinner ;)